All Novel Sweet
99
“Yes,” I said. The truth was, after my divorce, I tried dating a bit, but it felt weird. Then I got busy with my career and I stopped caring. I had urges, of course. See Exhibit A of my sister catching me. Sometimes I broke my streak. Went to a bar or hopped onto Tinder. It didn’t ever work out. Either the girl wasn’t mature enough, or I wasn’t dedicated enough, or a thousand other things. I think, at some point, I decided that relationships weren’t for me. I figured I’d get a dog at some point and call it a life.
“You’re not ruining anything,” I told my sister. I cradled her head and, without thinking about it, kissed her forehead. She melted into my arms. “Living with you like this has been hard, yes, but it’s also been kind of wonderful? Coming home to another person, I forgot how nice that can be.”
“Even if it’s your dorky little sister?”
“You’re a lot of things, Jennifer, but dorky isn’t one of them.”
“Tell that to everyone I knew in high school,” she said.
“Who cares what those idiots think?” I said, “You’re amazing. Don’t let anyone tell you different.”
“You’re only saying that cause you’re my brother,” Jennifer said into my chest.
“Jennifer, I’m fifteen years older than you. I’ve spent more time with you in the last two weeks than in your entire lifetime put together. I’m not doing anything ‘just because.'”
“That’s my point, you barely even know me,” Jennifer said.
“That’s fair,” I said, “But I like what I’ve seen so far. You’re working at a prestigious firm in Manhattan so, clearly, you’re smart and driven. You’ve had to deal with a lot the last two weeks, but you’ve made it look easy, so obviously you’re mature and thoughtful. And yeah, I’m getting to know you better, but you’ve made me laugh and you’ve made me think. What more do I need to know?”
“Thanks, Matt,” Jennifer said, meeting my eyes. Was it wrong that she looked so cute, post-crying? “I appreciate everything.”
“It’s fine,” I said, “Like usual, I’m sure I’ll end up catching you doing the same thing shortly.”
Jennifer’s face flushed. “I, um. Actually, I don’t really do that.”
“Wait, seriously?” I was shocked, “Everyone does that. Grandma does that. Sorry for the mental image but it’s true.”
“No, I know,” Jennifer said, “I just never got into it.”
“You don’t have, like, urges?” I asked. Was my sister asexual? She didn’t seem like it, but I knew better than to judge people by how they looked.
“No, definitely sexual,” Jennifer said.
“You get horny,” I said, cringing at myself for using that word with my little sister.
“Yes,” she said.
“You like boys?” I asked, “Or girls?”
“Boys,” Jennifer said, “Only boys. I’ve dated some. I’m not a nun. But with the internship and living with you, I know nothing’s happening this summer. I still have desires, though. Seeing you tonight, I guess it makes me feel better to know that you’re going through it too.”
“There’s nothing wrong with rubbing one out,” I said.
“No, I know. I want to, sometimes. OK, lots of times. I just feel weird doing it. I’m sorry. I’m not judging you. Honestly, I wish that I could, you know, get off. I lie back and try, but my mind goes all over the place and I start thinking about work or school and I’m touching myself and it just feels weird.”
“Have you tried, um, other stimulus?” I asked. I was trying to be clinical about this. I knew my sister was opening up to me in a way that made her very vulnerable. I wanted to help, to be a good brother (I know that’s weird but there it was).
“You mean like toys?” Jennifer asked.
“Sure,” I said, “Or, you said your mind wanders, have you tried to watch stuff?”
“Porn creeps me out,” Jennifer said, “It’s so fake and odd.”
“There’s other things out there besides videos,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Jennifer asked, her face the picture of innocence.
“Well,” I said. I chose my words very cautiously now. I was about to reveal something huge. Expose a secret part of myself. I guess it felt fair, considering how open she was being with me. Still, it was scary. Like stepping off a ledge into a chasm filled with snakes holding chainsaws. “When you caught me before, I wasn’t, um. I wasn’t watching porn. Exactly.”
I flinched, waiting for Jennifer to freak out. Instead, she just looked at me expectantly.
“See, I don’t really like porn either,” I said, “Like you said, it’s kind of weird to watch. Very fake and staged. So instead I like to, um, read stuff.”
“Like Fifty Shades of Grey?” Jennifer asked.
“Sort of?” And then, I did something either incredibly smart or unbelievably stupid. “Here,” I said, “I’ll show you.”
I got off the couch, went back to my bedroom, and grabbed the iPad. I’d long since surfed away from what I’d been reading, so I navigated to the front page of the site and handed it to my sister.© 2024 Nôv/el/Dram/a.Org.
Her eyes went wide. “Erotic literature?”
“It sounds fancier than it is,” I said, “It’s just dirty stories. Word smut. But it works for me. I guess it kind of gives me the best of both worlds. The stories are hot, but they also engage my imagination. I’m sorry. I hope this isn’t creepy. Maybe I shouldn’t have shown you this.”
“No, it’s fine,” Jennifer said, “It’s actually kind of sweet? Like, sharing this with me had to be so hard for you, but you did it because you care about me. It’s maybe the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me.”
“I don’t know about romantic,” I said, “But thanks.”
Jennifer took her phone out of her pocket and copied the website address. Then she handed me back my iPad.
“So, after all that, I think I’m going to go back to bed,” I said, standing up from the couch.
“Me too,” Jennifer said.
I wanted, desperately, to ask if she was going to find a story to read. But even after everything we’d already shared, it seemed inappropriate. Instead, I gave my sister a light kiss on the cheek and walked away.
“Matt?” Jennifer called after me, “Thanks. Most brothers, after something like tonight… Anyway, I hope you know how lucky and special you make me feel. I know this has been hard, the two of us in this tiny place, but I’m glad it happened.”
“Me too,” I said, and went to bed. I was still worked up from before, but the only person I could picture in my head that night was my little sister. So, I made myself go to sleep without relief.
*
A couple of days passed, and Jennifer didn’t say anything about the website. If she was using it, if she’d been able to get herself off, she didn’t tell me. I was busy with work though, so I supposed it was possible she was indulging. Besides, we’d already crossed some dangerous lines that night, I was sure that my sister wasn’t eager to keep pushing boundaries.
What did happen, however, is that June turned to July and the city got epically, disastrously hot. If you’ve never been to NYC in the summer, consider yourself lucky. The city sweats. It’s not only the brutal sun, but the buildings all trap the heat, turning everything into a muggy mess.