Unwanted Heat

SHIT! I didn’t mean to say that part aloud-he wasn’t supposed to hear that. I don’t say anything, not wanting to even go there with him. Nicholas shifts off of my back and lies next to me in the bed, still rubbing my back.

“Kenzie…. Kenzie…. please talk to me,” he shifts so he is a little closer to me. I’m too embarrassed to look at him; I still can’t believe I said that aloud. “What makes you think you aren’t good… in bed?”

“Because… that’s what… my ex… would tell me… constantly,” I whisper, still not looking at him.

“Your ex?” I nod. “The man who supposedly loved you, who wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, told you that you were bad in bed?”

I never realized how ridiculous it sounded until Nicholas said it, but

what he said was still the truth.

“Kenzie…”

“The first time we slept together… it… everything seemed fine. But then he… he had a problem… finishing. He kept…” I can’t believe I’m seriously having this conversation with Nicholas. “He couldn’t keep going… he told me it was my fault. At first, he said it was because I was fat and ugly, but then… then he started saying it was because I was a horrible fuck. That I didn’t know what I was doing, that I wasn’t making it enjoyable for him, that I didn’t turn him on…”

“Fuck, Kenzie,” I can hear the anger in Nicholas’s voice and his body tenses next to me. I never wanted him to know these things. I never expected there to be a reason for him to know about this part of my life.

“Surely the other guys you were with-”

I shake my head, embarrassed even more.

“There weren’t any other guys…” I whisper in admission.

“This asshole is the only man that… you’ve ever…?”

“Yeah.”

“Kenzie, come here,” he tries to pull me closer to him, but I’m lying on my stomach so only my side is pressed against his. His fingers comb through my hair and he slowly urges me to turn my head so I’m facing him. I’m so embarrassed-I can’t look him in the eye. I never told anyone those things; I told all the counselors about the physical abuse, but I was always too embarrassed to tell them the rest. How do you tell a perfect stranger that you suck in bed? “Trust me, the problem was all him and not you.”

“You don’t know that,” I shake my head.

“I do,” he lifts my chin up so I’m forced to look at him. “This morning… that proved just how wrong he was.”

Except, he had no issues the first time we were together either, but I don’t say that. I want to believe Nicholas, but his voice is always going to be in the back of my head haunting me. When you get told something over and over again, how do you not believe it?

“If I ever get my hands on him, I swear I’ll make him pay for what he did to you. I hate that even years later he still has you doubting yourself.”

“It’s not that different from what your ex did to you, Nicholas.”

“It’s very different. She never… she never made me second guess my performance. She didn’t have a reason to.”

“Maybe not but she did things that still make you second guess yourself.”

“No-”

“Nicholas, face it, both of our ex’s did a number on us. Combined with our pasts… it really makes us quite a pair.”

“Maybe that’s what makes us such good… friends: we have so much in common in that sense.”

“Maybe.”

“I swear, Kenzie, I will never let anyone hurt you again.”

“You can’t guarantee that, Nicholas,” especially in two years when we go our separate ways. “I don’t want to dwell on the past; we can’t change what happened. Right now, I want to focus on being here and enjoying this amazing place you have brought me to. This trip has been nothing I ever expected; please don’t let what I said ruin it.”

“Nothing could ruin this trip.”

He leans down and kisses me gently on the lips; it’s awkward at this angle. I want to move to be closer to him, but since my bathing suit top is still untied I’m very limited as to how I can move.

“How’s your back feel?” I’m thankful for the change in topic.

“Much better, thank you. I think I’m going to get changed.”

“I’m going to check my email before coming to bed.”

Before leaving the bedroom, Nicholas grabs my silk robe off the bathroom door and hands it to me. Getting changed into my pajamas, I feel much less confident than I did last night. I hate that I let him get to me while Nicholas and I are here; I hate that I have scars that made those questions come up. I hate that things were going so well since we’ve been here, and then I let him get to me again.

I’m tempted to go find the clothes I wore on the plane and just sleep in those. I don’t, though, because that would mean that he would win again. I need to stop letting him get to me. His voice isn’t always there, but when it is, I have to fight to get rid of it. Instead of finding something else to wear, I go through the nightwear that Susan packed for me and find one that isn’t too revealing. Some of the outfits she packed… wow… I don’t know that I’ll be able to wear them on this trip. They’re absolutely gorgeous, but I don’t see myself wearing something that is completely see through to bed. Maybe if this was a typical honeymoon, but it’s anything but that.Content bel0ngs to Nôvel(D)r/a/ma.Org.

I slip on a light grey nightgown along with the matching thong that it comes with. Looking in the mirror I start to feel a little better; the outfit is obviously designed to complement a woman’s curves. Like the one I wore last night, the top of this one is all lace, but instead of it being a band that covers my chest, this one is more like a bikini top. The lace covers my breasts, thankfully ensuring my nipples aren’t too obvious, however, it has a plunging neckline that leaves the dress open between my breasts. The thin, light fabric comes together under my breasts and ends just at my upper thigh. It’s a little shorter than what I wore last night, but there’s not much I can do about that. I throw back on my silk bathrobe, not wanting to walk around the villa in this outfit, before heading out to the main area.

“We’ve made the front page of nearly every gossip site in and around New York,” Nicholas says when I finally find him sitting outside on the patio.

“Oh? Good or bad?” After the conversation we just had I’m almost afraid to ask.

“See for yourself,” he hands me his laptop and pats the daybed so I can sit next to him.

“We never thought we would see the day… New York’s own, billionaire playboy, Nicholas Parker is married!!! We thought this was a joke, that someone had hacked into PFS’s email server, however, we have confirmed the news with PFS’s chief operating officer Alexander King, that the company’s CEO, Nicholas Parker, is in fact, married. Alex confirms that he was in attendance for the nuptials which occurred sometime last week. PFS released a statement confirming that Nicholas Parker and Mackenzie Rose, the beautiful woman he has been seen with for the last few months, were indeed married last week. Other than Alexander King confirming the marriage, no one at PFS would answer any of our questions or return our phone calls. We have to wonder… what led Nicholas Parker to suddenly change his ways? What is it that Mackenzie Rose has, that no other woman has? How did she finally get the billionaire playboy to settle down? And why so quickly? Could she be pregnant? Could that be the reason for the quick marriage? Rest assured, New York, we are on top of it and will be watching to see if a baby bump appears in the very near future!”

“Oh God, they think I’m pregnant,” I burst out laughing. Of all the things I thought they would say about me, suspecting I was pregnant was not one of them. If only they knew that pregnancy wasn’t even a possibly, considering Nicholas and I haven’t had sex!

“Most of the articles are like this one; a few actually published the picture that was included in the press release,” he clicks on the laptop and another window appears with a picture of us. The picture looks amazing: it was one that was taken during the ceremony and is at such an angle that it includes both the rocks and ocean. What surprises me the most about the picture is how… authentic Nicholas and I look. I remember standing before the officiant, not being able to concentrate on anything he said because Nicholas was all I could think about. I remember being so nervous the morning of our wedding; not because I was questioning my decision to marry him but I was worried that the press and everyone wouldn’t believe we were getting married because we loved each other. What’s interesting is in that picture, neither of us looks nervous at all. In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I would think the picture was taken during a real wedding. I think what surprises me the most, is the way Nicholas is looking at me in the picture; I try reading into it further, but I’m not really sure what it looks like. Maybe it’s just a look of appreciation for what we are doing? Or gratitude?

“I think the picture my PR department used for the press release was a good one,” Nicholas says.

“It turned out nice,” I agree.

“The sky is so clear out here at night,” Nicholas says after a few minutes of silence. “I’m usually so busy in New York, I don’t get a chance to look at the stars very often. When I came out here, I was waiting for my laptop to start up, I laid back and just looked at the stars.”

“It is really clear.”

“Here, lay back,” he puts the laptop on the table next to us before moving over so I can lay back with him. Lying here, listening to the waves crashing in the background, looking at the stars above us… it’s so easy to forget the real world exists. It’s as if we are the only two people in the world-that our pasts don’t matter.