2-14
And then I got to know her. She was so independent, so different from all the other girls. She didn’t care about jewelry. She didn’t want gifts. Adriana always told me they made her feel like a “kept woman.” Whatever the fuck that meant. Still, she would always smile when I got her something and thank me profusely. She just wanted to provide for her mother and finish her education. I admired that. She was loyal to a fault, even though it burned her at times.
My head fills with all these things as I waltz into her dormitory. The guard hardly lifts her head as I stride up the stairs. The security in this place is a joke.
Minutes later, I’m at her dorm, praying that Maria isn’t there. Usually, I would just let myself in, but I twist the doorknob and it’s locked. I knock several times.
The door opens and my heart squeezes. She stands there, dressed in pink pajamas even though it’s past noon. Her long, brown hair is a bit tousled, like when she gets up immediately out of bed. Her eyes are puffy and red from crying, but the tears make her eyes burn brighter. She looks beautiful, even when she’s upset. It takes my breath away for a moment, and I need a second to remember why I’m so pissed at her.
“Can we talk?”
“Vince,” she says in a hushed voice. Her eyes are wide, but then she blinks and they close away, like shutters over windows. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“I just want to talk to you. You never really gave me a chance to say what I needed to say.”
“Fine,” she says, rolling her eyes.
That pisses me off. I step inside much more quickly than she anticipates, and then I corner her against the wall as my skin radiates heat.
“Don’t fucking treat me like I’m your asshole ex. I’ve been nothing but good to you, Adriana. I deserve your respect.”
Tears glisten in her eyes.
I already feel bad for scaring her, and I feel even worse when everything inside me wants to bend her over my knee for doing this to me and spank her until her ass burns bright red. She looks so perfectly vulnerable.
“I’m so sorry, Vince,” she says as a tear slips down her face.
That’s an odd response.
Still, the air squeezes from my chest when I see her looking so upset. I take her head in my hands and she blinks rapidly as I wipe her tears from her face.
“You don’t look very happy to be on your own.”Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.
Adriana bites her shaking lip as even more tears fall down in angry red streaks. “T-that’s because you won’t leave me alone.”
Her feeble voice makes me smile for the first time in days.
“You’ve always been such a bad liar, Ade. You don’t want me to leave you alone.”
“I-I-”
I place my finger on her lips to silence her. “I don’t believe that you faked every moment with me. I know you meant it when you said you loved me.”
The tears fall thick and fast. She tries to hide her face, but I take her chin and give her a small kiss. She sighs when I pull away and her face smooths over. How could I ever doubt myself? I know this woman. I know the way she thinks. Even now, she’s giving herself away. She’s leaning into my body. Taking her in my arms, I maneuver her to the couch and pull her onto my lap. She curls up against my chest like nothing changed between us.
I sigh into her hair. “What’s going on with you?”
Adriana sits up, fixing me with a pained look. “I meant what I said. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“Adriana-”
“Vince, please just listen!” She swallows hard and continues in a lower voice. “You’re right. I do love you.”
Heart racing, I try to keep quiet even though I just want to kiss her.
“I love you so much that it hurts everyday to be away from you, but I can’t keep living like this.”
My mouth is dry. “Like what, babe?”
She gasps in a high voice as tears thicken her throat. Her eyes look like dark gems. “You’re just going to end up dead or in jail one day. You know it’s the truth.”
My eyes squeeze shut. I rarely think about my own death, and I hate that she does. As for jail, yeah, that’s always a possibility. But what can I do? It’s part of the life.
“You can’t think about stuff like that.”
“I can’t help it!” She pushes herself off my legs, away from me. “I don’t want to have to wonder whether you’re going to come home or not. And I do not want my future jeopardized because of all the illegal shit I’ve done. No more.”
For once, I’m speechless.
I want to fight against it. What she says breaks my heart, because it’s true. The other women-the mob wives, they put up with it because they get taken care of. They get jewels and clothes and whatever the fuck they want, but Adriana was never really into that shit. She loved me for me, without all the perks. That’s why I’m crazy about her. She’s genuine.
She doesn’t deserve a life like that.
A horrible, cold feeling punches my gut.
She doesn’t deserve all this shit.
If I love her, truly love her; I’ll let her go. A strange pressure builds behind my eyes. It’s so swift and sudden, like a kick to the ribs.
But I love her. And she loves me. It should be simple, right?
“It’s just too much for me, and I need you to respect my decision and stay away. I won’t be able to get over you otherwise.”
She’s telling me to go away, but she keeps crying. I can’t promise I’ll do what she says, but I’ll try. I’ll try.
Because she deserves better.
It hurts to admit that. I’m not good enough for her, but I knew that from the beginning.
This woman destroyed me. I feel myself breaking apart, piece-by-piece, as I realize that this is goodbye.
Then if this is goodbye-
I wrap my arm around her back and sweep her back into my arms. My lips fall on her pouting lips, releasing that hot electricity that sits like a reservoir in my heart. It shoots out everywhere, making my skin hypersensitive.