The Soldier Next Door

…Ana POV…

By now, the hurt in his heart must be raging.

As for the hurt in my heart, it is still burning out of control. I have not for one second let go of how angry I am at him. It has consumed every single fiber in me, and it still has not let go. I am growing closer and closer to the edge, and god, when I get there, I am going to crash and burn.

My emotions are out of sync, and my mind is playing tricks on me. I have surrendered control over my demons the moment he had drop that call on me, and it still has a firm grip on me. If I don’t find myself between all the darkness soon, then I fear that I am going to be lost.

And lost is what I feel. I will be very honest with myself; I am not as happy as I thought I would be. My emotions are mixed. There are moments when I feel guilt and then get those moments where the hints of joy are far greater than regret.

Yes, I feel regret.

What else do I feel…

I feel fucking hurt.

It hurts. 

I have sat here and wondered if I made him cry?

If I did, and that is when I feel this incredible guilt.

But look what he did to me!

I can pretend that I am okay, but I am not. And I am so not okay; if I do not let go of this anger, then I am going to end up in the last place I ever want to be.

And that was not part of the plan.

What else was not part of the plan is the sorry that is haunting my eyes.

I keep telling myself to hand it in there. I need to be strong. Not for Ethan, but only for me. Yes, I need to accept that life is full of shit and that things like this will happen. It does not get better as time passes; you just need to learn how to deal with it.

There will be a time, and god, let us hope that it will only be Ethan, but what I need to remind myself is that somewhere along the line, someone will betray you. And that is more than okay because how else could I learn to be strong if I don’t go through so many different challenges in my life.

Things like this need to happen to make you stronger, yes it is fucked up, and it goddamn hurts, but you need to show yourself that you can be strong and that you can fight anything.

Anything like the whore that Ethan fucked.

Now that is something that I am not proud of, but yet I am still chuckling at it every now and again. I am sure that Ethan is by now wondering what came over me. He knows from a year ago that I am as calm as the sea, well, the parts where the waves are not crashing. Now, today, I am the wave that crashes against the rocks. And that he knows now.

Ethan has turned me into an animal.

If he only did not cheat on me!

But as they say that this is a test, one more experience that I need to go through in order to make myself complete. The fucked up thing is that I had to go through it twice, once with Mark and now with Ethan for a second time around.

There is no excuse for what he has done to me. 

He has made me experience all the wrong things in life. Well, I cannot feel complete if I do not experience both good and bad things. I can say that after all the shit that he put me through, the pain, I can now say that I am standing firmly on my feet.

But god, I wish, that things did not turn out this way.

I honestly felt that things were different this time. I could feel he was a different man, just not the part where he screws anything that walks past him.

I feel that I should just let it go… So what? He cheated on you again. Just let it go. Yes, perhaps he is not the one for me, but why am I feeling that he is. I feel desperate and broken. Okay, so he disappointed me, but why should I hold onto a grudge. Look what it has got me…

Bipolar.

How is Ethan going to feel when he finds out? Is he still going to want to be with me? I feel that somehow that he would. So why am I sitting in this Hotel room feeling bitter and mad at him?

Because he fucking cheated Ana!

I need to have more respect for myself. I am much more than I am making myself out to be. I am above this. I am above my problems. I am above the Bipolar. I just need to believe that. I need to believe in myself. It is time that I do things right.

Forget about Ethan Hunter now.

But as I put my hand on my heart, yes, what do I feel? Is it still beating?

Hell yeah!

 Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

So he broke my heart, but a heart can endure so much more than a shitty, dishonest boyfriend.

But wait! When did Ethan become my boyfriend again? We were just having casual sex, and all of a sudden, we were back where we were all those years ago. I just accepted that he was mine on occasion and that I belonged to him.

Yes, I belong to Ethan, and I think no matter what I do, I always will. But he does not deserve me! Ethan deserves those whores that he fucks so randomly. But what does it make me? I fell straight back into his bed less than a week after speaking to him the first time again. How can I judge the woman that surrounds him then? But Ethan will never but more than once with one of those tramps. Does it mean that because he kept coming back to me that he actually does care?

I don’t know…

All I know is that I cannot take it anymore. I need to let go of this anger. Fuck, Ana, just cry. Get drunk. Destroy something. But let all the pain and anger go out. I know that if I do not do something, I am going to explode. I am not going to handle my shit, and I will crash and burn.

I cannot let myself break into pieces so small that I cannot be glued back together anymore. I have a choice. I can choose life, choose myself, or pick up this phone and phone someone that I know will be there.

Perhaps one should not give up the good things that are there in your life, even though sometimes it comes with the bad. I need to accept that things are just going to be the way they are supposed to be. All I know is that I need to pick up my head and put a smile on my face.

And decide.

Am I going to let Ethan come fetch me and continue with a toxic relationship, or do I phone Savanah to come to save me from myself? I know that if I go home now that Ethan will still be there waiting for me. He is stubborn like that; that is what I love about him the most. He never gives up until he gets what he wants. That is why he is the most feared fucking Boss around.

Ya, I just said that I love him.

And it is the truth, after all these years that love that I felt for him, that love is still there. It was always hiding behind the anger; I guess perhaps my plan for revenge was just my excuse to see him again. I could have forgotten about him and moved on with my life, but I never did.

So, I will say it again… I love Ethan. But sometimes, you need to let go of the things you love the most because they are not good for you. God knows that Ethan and I are not good for each other; we are like hot lava and flowing next to a stream of water. If we step one foot wrong, we destroy each other.

Do I want to be destroyed?

I don’t know…

So, I have made my choice as I decide to pick up my phone…