The Soldier Next Door

…Ana POV…

This morning when I woke up, you had already left for training with the boys. I so wished that you just had stayed one little while longer so that we could figure this thing out that is hanging in the air between.

How is it that there is always something throw in our way of happiness?

Yes, being a Marine brings you joy, but can you not see that just wanting to be your wife is something that I also crave. I love being the wife of a Marine, but between you and me…I love being just a normal wife the most.

And what I would want the most is being for us to be normal parents. I would love for my child to have a dad, not the dad that is the Marine.

I know that if I say this, then I am being selfish and what I am about even to ask, yet, even more, say is perhaps being worse than plain damn nasty.

As you left this morning, I began to think about the way things were when we first met. We were so much in love; then, we couldn’t wait to get to each other to tell each other everything that happened that day. I remember how we were both so interested in all the little details of our daily stories and how we would laugh over the smallest thing. The simplest meal was a feast to us, and we needed very little to make us happy. We usually spent our evenings at home chitchatting, cuddling, and making love. Afterward, we would just fall asleep in each other’s arms. Back then, we understood what the Hollies meant when they sang, “Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you.” When I think about us now, it doesn’t seem possible that our love could have changed so much in a year.

The details of my day aren’t so interesting to you anymore, and, I confess, I’m not too interested now when someone at your squad is starting a new romance. More often than not, you’re too tired to cook a decent meal after training, not that I blame you, and you know I was never very handy in the kitchen. Unfortunately, boxed macaroni and cheese have lost their appeal for both of us. To make things worse, our schedules aren’t in sync anymore, and often we have to eat alone. It’s obvious that the magic is going out of our love, too, because lately, you just turn away when I get into bed. I remember when our love life could have rivaled the 4th of July fireworks, but even that has changed.

But I want you to know that one thing hasn’t changed. I still love you, and I always will; I hope you still love me too after I have told you how I feel about you deploying. I decided that I was not going to be scared this time. I was not going to say that it is okay when it is not. Because it is not….

I have spent my life believing in Love. My heart has been beaten; my heart has been ripped; it has been stamped on, and more than once, as you know. But I kept on believing. Because I love Love because I consider life not worth living if you don’t allow your heart to pound.

And it is pounding, and it is being pounded on, and you turned it all upside down. My schedule, my emotional comfort zone, my whole life. I couldn’t understand what was going on, and really I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t try to plan ahead; I didn’t want to build false hopes; for the very first time in my life, I completely let go.

I really fell in love…

Loving so much is almost a crime. And yet I have never had so much faith that whatever happens, you are here, whatever happens, I have you. And even if you leave, you will remain inside of me, always.

You are my happiness; you are the sun, you brighten up my entire life, you make me better, you are benevolent, you are simply incredible. They say rare gems are hard to come by, but I have found the Arkenstone.

In fact, before you, I guess I had never truly loved.

I want to discover you; I want to spend each minute of my life making you smile because your face is magnificent when it brightens up and your eyes wittily sparkle. I want to face the fears that made my life a misery, even if it’s tough and I still sometimes cry and want to bang my head against the walls; I want to forget the past and trust you, I terribly want to make you happy and… and maybe I can.

I love you, I adore you, my imagination, and my body knows how to tell you far better than my mouth or fingers on the keyboard. My vocabulary seems so imprecise, so small, so poor when compared to the intense ball of love lying inside of me. My heart can’t stay in place ever since you’ve entered it; I wish I could always be near you, against you. It’s madness; it makes no sense to love so much, to love to the point of suffering as soon as your absence kicks in. 

And it’s so good, loving beyond any existing limit. Breathing love in and out to your lungs’ full capacity, loving unconditionally and without logic, without understanding or even seeking to understand, just loving. I don’t love what you own, what represents you, I love you, your soul, your body, your mischievous laugh, your throaty and sensual voice, I love you, you with me.

But I wish I were yours, truly yours, for I know that I never would be for as long as you are a Marine.

Right now, I wish I could lie down next to you, just to look at you. Just that. Looking at you. And listening to you breathe. I wish I could watch you fall asleep and listen to you breathe. I wish I could come up to you and put my arms around you while you concentrate. And smell your cologne. I wish I could brush your lips, your arms, and your hands with the tip of my fingers. I wish I could massage you all day long because I like taking care of you because I want you to feel good. I wish you could hold me very tight against you and lay a kiss upon my forehead, full of comfort and affection, when you notice I am sad. Oh yes, I wish so much that you could hold me very, very tight against you, so much so that I would feel your heart against mine. Feel your arms around me. Feel your embrace telling me, “I will not let you go.” I wish I were yours. Simply. Completely.

I wish that you were here now instead of yelling whichever command that you are yelling at one of your fellow Marines. I wish I were cuddled up against you without you really noticing; I lay my head against your torso… Cradled by your breathing and heartbeats… I lustily breathed in the scent of your skin, thinking there was not a single place in the world where I’d rather be. I kissed your hands lovingly before completing the gap between my fingers with yours. And I thought back upon my teenage dreams… How many times I had dreamed about that moment… How many times I had tried to draw an imaginary portrait of the man who would become the center of my existence… And today, here you are… You are more beautiful than everything I had dreamed about; I see you, I feel you, and I wake up next to you. 

And I love you.

When I say I love you, I’m saying I’ve never felt so good in my life, here, right now. I’m saying that when you smile at me, I can’t resist; I melt. I’m saying you make me happy. I’m also saying don’t leave me, stay with me, take me in your arms, don’t leave, ever. I can’t breathe in anything other than the scent of your skin; I don’t want to listen to anything other than the sound of your voice; I just want you. You, you, you.

But how much will this love mean when I tell you what it is that is laid upon my heart?This is property © NôvelDrama.Org.

The thing is, I don’t, perhaps let us rather rephrase, I can’t let you leave me behind. I can’t let you leave our child without a father for months. So it is with great pain that you will have to come to terms and face my decision that I have made when you come back home.

Is this going to test our marriage once again?

Well, it is going to test out love, for I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I cannot, or rather I will not let you do this.