The Soldier Next Door

There is a coldness that is starting to settle over my heart in anticipation of what is about to unfold in this courthouse which I am terrified to set my feet in. From what I can gather as I am standing here on the stairs is that our dear Brendan has opted not to make an appearance. I guess the man is very confident that this will play out the way that he wishes it.

Thought the question is?

Does he think that I will back off and play into his hands?

Or does he think that he has gained the upper hand in bringing me down?

Well, I myself do not know which is the most terrifying prospect to face. All I know is that I am not going to change the man who I am to become something that I am not.

I am a Marine.

And I will stick to the oath that I have taken regardless if my career will be ending here today.

Looking back over the years, I have realized how far I have grown. I have been through some really rocky times in my life, yet somehow I have managed to keep the faith. There were days when I hit rock bottom and didn’t think that I could face the day, but I kept on no matter how hard things were or how bad things were going.

I have always been good at being a positive person, even when things were falling apart.  Although I think I hid far too much and kept my problems to myself. I guarded myself against others and pretended like everything was ok when it wasn’t. I was afraid of opening up and being vulnerable to others. I was scared of what they might think.

But now, I see a man who has blossomed into what he was meant to be. I finally decided to open up and show my true self to the world. For so long, I kept my true self hidden because I didn’t like what I saw or thought that who I was was not valuable or unique.

Why did you think this?

Was it because I could never let go of mean things that were said to me?

Why did I ever let someone take away my self-love?

I guess I didn’t know any better.

Over the years, I struggled so much, and all I did was blame myself, which made things worse.

I wish that I could have seen that my internal struggle was a SIGN that my true self was being suffocated because I wouldn’t let who I was really shine to the world.

I tried to be everything everyone wanted me to be, and I didn’t give much thought as to what I wanted to be. All I cared about what how a certain career might make others proud of me, but I didn’t truly think long and hard about what my passions were or what I wanted out of life.

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Today, I am so very proud of myself.

In the past year, I have grown more than I ever have, and I have never been happier. I no longer have unbearable anxiety or depressive thoughts like I used to.

Why?

Because I listened to my heart! Finally, after all these years!

I felt alive again, and it gave me a glimmer of hope! 

I finally realized that this is my life, and the only one who is going to be able to make me happy is ME.

I did some major soul-searching and was wrought with anxiety every night. I couldn’t sleep, and I knew why.

I knew the answer to what I should do, but I was absolutely terrified to do it.

My heart was telling me what I had to do to be happy, but my mind was trying to talk me out of it because it wasn’t what society saw as right. 

IT JUST WASN’T STATUS QUO.

And I followed the status quo my entire life, always a good little boy and doing what was expected of me. 

But I finally realized that none of that would ever make me happy if it weren’t who I really was!This is from NôvelDrama.Org.

I finally realized that I was going to let the real me out, and I didn’t give a damn what anyone thought about it.

All these years, I was afraid to show the world who I was…

And all along, I was a GOOD PERSON.

Why did I hide for so long?

I have a good heart.

I am sweet and kind.

I am silly, goofy, funny.

I have a smile that can warm a stranger’s heart in the street.

I want to remind myself of some words of advice –

Don’t live your life for what you think will please others. Remember what happened when you did that? You got nowhere. Follow your heart. You can never go wrong.

Don’t be scared of a difference of opinion or challenging remarks. Don’t see it as an attack, but as another way of looking at the world.

Keep in mind that you will never please everyone, and while it is in your personality to damn well try to do so, it is a false illusion. Use your energy elsewhere!

You used to call yourself a perfectionist with pride, but now you realize that it is healthier to be somewhere in the middle. Being a perfectionist made you bat shit crazy, and you know it.

Continue to set short and long-term goals. Those rock. You truly come alive when you have goals in life, so I suggest that you always have some on your radar. They make life fun, adventurous, and satisfying.

Try not to hold others to the impossible standards that you held for yourself for so long. You have a tendency to expect only perfection from loved ones in your life, and this is a tragic, tragic mistake. Learn to appreciate people for how they are NOW, not what they should be.

Love, laugh, play, and cry without holding back. Don’t feel like you have to hide tears…ever. Tears are not shameful, and the fact that you are a sensitive and emotional person is not something to hide like you did for all those years.

Embrace moments of each and every day. The most simple moments are often the most remarkable.

Friends may come and go, but family will always be there for you. Never lose sight of this. Nurture your relationships with your family.

Most of all, be true to yourself, and you will never go wrong…

So as Isabella laces her hands into mine, she seeks the depths of my eyes, and she knows that there is a reason why I am hiding…

Yes, they are filled with tears.

I am not crying for me or my career, I am crying for the father that I was meant to be, and if I have to walk away here today and my hands will be cuffed in steal, I will be a failure as a father before I have even started to be.

So for what seems like an eternity, we just stare into each other’s eyes. 

She looks down at my slightly parted lips, and I know what is about to happen. We both lean into each other in slow motion, never breaking eye contact once. My heart skips a beat, and my knees get wobbly, even though I am not standing on my feet. I curl my hand around her neck and tangle the other in her long wavy hair.

Our lips brush softly against each other. Her lips are soft and delicately. They dance against me like butterfly wings. I pull away, hesitating for a moment. She felt new yet oddly familiar. Her lips seemed molded to the shape of mine. My hands curled around her so perfectly as if they were made just for her. She tastes like passion, like pure, unrestrained passion, and I want more.

Then we begin to close the gap even more than before. What begins as a small peck becomes more passionate. The rest of the world spins so fast that it becomes non-existent. I lean even further into her, and my body melts into hers. It is as if I can feel a fire blazing within me, out of control. We are completely and utterly in sync at this very moment.

Everything about her is perfect. The sheer softness of her hair as I run my hands through it. The taste of sweet cotton candy that lingers on her lips. Her breath that warms my cheek. The way she plays with the hair at the back of my head that tickles my neck.

She presses her lips against mine even harder. Lightning passes through me. I feel lost in a different universe, and she is slowly taking me away. Her cold hand creeps from my neck down my spine and pulls me closer. Her touch makes my body shiver. Her delicate, innocent kiss makes my heart flutter. Then it races. My body surrenders. I let her kiss me for as long as she want. Every time I let go, I go back and kiss her again softly.

After what seems like being away for hours, we part and put our foreheads together.

Then she softly whispers, “You have got this.”

And with that, they lead me inside. It is hard to say whose eyes are filled with the most terror, but then just as I am nearly at the front of the courtroom…