The Soldier Next Door

Everything pays the price…even love.

We are paying the price for the bad things in our past, for the bad people we have left behind. I would like to say that my past has come to haunt me, but when you truly reflect, it is Ana that has left a string of monsters behind. Now in no way am I blaming her for what has happened, but I just wish that there was a point where she was more honest.

Faith, well, it is a word that I truly have lost all faith in, if you may say it in such a strange way. What does a man like me do to deserve what has been thrown on my plate? I did not ask for it, I did not do any wrong, it was done to me, and I had no say.

Ya, let me fucking repeat it…Everything pays the price…even love…

We have paid the price…I have paid the price.

Fate is what happens when you are not watching, yet karma is the way to play fate’s wicked game.

Now the only thing you can be sure of is yourself. What changes is everything else? The choices and the decisions that you make will remain the same. The only certainties are what you plan. But that too can change; as for me, I planned to live a happy life, yet I am finding myself clinging onto Ana’s hand.

But yes, coming back to that word faith.

So as the seconds starts ticking, and I am staring this man in the eyes.

Ya, fuck.

So this how it is supposed to work…

And this is the nagging voice of Ana that plays over and over in my head…

……….

“Let your faith give you comfort when you are at your weakest, because when all is said and done, you will have faced this demon, and by doing so, you will find that this is how heroes are made.

So maybe today you aren’t feeling too hopeful, but I have enough hope for the both of us. My wish is for you to catch it and face what lies ahead with optimism and great hope. You are never alone, as long as I have a breath to mutter a prayer, or better yet, as you lift up your eyes in expectation.

These are uncertain times, and I want you to know that you are not alone. Today, I want you to focus on that; I want you to focus on the fight and not the fright.

Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other resolution.

Did you know that not only is faith such a powerful thing, but also is prayer? It is such a lovely thing. Some of it is asking, some of it is confessing. Some is praising, and some are just listening to that still small voice. But prayer is such a powerful thing, for it is knowing that someone hears us!

Ethan, believe and have faith that there are so many around that cares!

Don’t lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out.

Nothing can separate us from our faith. NOTHING! Not sickness. Not pain. Not loneliness. Not uncertainty. Nothing can separate you from this.

FUCKING NOTHING!

Faith is daring to go beyond what the eyes can see.

Do not fear this walk through the valley. We all have valleys to walk through. Many have been through this valley before you, and many walk in your footsteps. Do not be afraid. You are strong, and we all are with you every step of the way!

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands at a time of challenge and controversy.

Strength. This is what we need today and every day. We need strength, sometimes just to take the next breath. But keep your strength.

​When written in Chinese, the word ‘crisis’ is composed of two characters; one represents danger, the other represents opportunity.

This is your opportunity to prove the strength you have; this is your opportunity to you can, and that you will overcome this.From NôvelDrama.Org.

You’re a superhero in my eyes. You’re so strong and brave. Even though you’ve had a rollercoaster of emotions in your life for the past year, you still find the strength to smile. You inspire me to be a braver person each and every day! 

Did I ever tell you what a beautiful man you are? When I say beautiful, it is not only the outward appearance but also your amazing personality and kind heart. I am glad you are my husband, and sometimes I wonder what I have done to have you in my life.

I am truly, madly, and deeply in love with you. You showered me with unconditional love and were there for me through all my ups and downs. You are a man stronger than anyone I know.

I am not the most beautiful woman on earth; neither am I a match for your beauty. But you never made me feel any less of myself. You loved me with all your heart and trusted me with your life. This always made me strive and be the best wife for you. I am going to show you that I am here for you; we will fight this thing together. I will be carrying your faith and your prayer when you don’t have the strength to.

I have never told you how blessed I feel to have you in life. I love you so much that I can’t express it in words. Still, let me try to tell you what you mean to me. You are the center of my life, your presence makes my dull life beautiful, and most of my memorable memories are due to you or with you. Thank God I met you; otherwise, my life would have been very sad and dull. Now I can’t imagine my life without you. You are the most important person to me, and I am nothing

So please, Ethan…

……….

I am trying.

I am fucking trying!

I know that we are okay, and I have realized that it is okay to be okay. For such a long time now, I have thought that it is wrong to feel okay, that it should not be okay when you are going through something like this, but then I realized that all we need to be is okay.

But Ethan…

Fuck you for thinking you are not worthy of greatness. Why on earth do you think that you deserve anything less? What the hell is the matter with you?

When are you going to start realizing that YOU are a perfect creation from the heavens here to live a brilliant life of true real unconditional love, not only from yourself but from others too?

When are you going to stop settling for “less than” and start realizing that you deserve “more than”? What are you hanging on to from the past that keeps you stuck living in mediocrity?

When are you going to let go of all the shit you were shown and taught in the past and start living in the true magnificence that you are?

Why do you keep lowering your standards? When are you going to raise the bar, draw that boundary line, hold your head up high and be epic?

You truly are unique and perfect. You truly are beautiful and amazing. Why won’t you show that to people and why won’t you let people treat you like the amazing person you really are?

Did you forget you’re not a fucking doormat? Did you forget that all that crap that happened in the past needs to stay there? It isn’t who you are today. You don’t live there anymore. The stuff from the past strengthened you and taught you how not to be.

When did you forget that?

The people in your life who treat you “less than”, why are they still in your life? Why are you hanging on to them? They don’t serve you at all. They don’t see your greatness and only want to keep you average.

They don’t want you to be greater than they are. They love to chop you up and cut you down to their level.

Stop being afraid to shine your beautiful bright light to the world for all to see. Stop being sheepish and submissive. You certainly know all the greatness inside of you.

You feel it all the time. You know it’s there yet you still bury it and are afraid to live it.

Stop doing that. There’s nothing wrong or egotistical about showing off the true beauty of you. The world doesn’t want you to hold that in. The world desperately wants to see it, feel it, enjoy it, and experience it with you.

Fuck you for letting all those fears, insecurities, and limiting beliefs keep you back from the true love and brilliant life you deserve.

You learned all the lessons, didn’t you? Didn’t you?? You know that most of everything you were programmed to believe is all lies. You know that! Lies.

You are good enough.

You are smart enough.

You are beautiful enough.

You are special and amazing enough.

When did you forget that? All those people that walked all over you and treated you like garbage, remember all those jerks? They wanted to keep you at their low level. They didn’t want you to grow or expand or be awesome. They wanted to keep you sad, little, worthless, and afraid.

Smarten up. Show the world who you really are. Show the world your true magnificence but most of all, show yourself some love for god’s sake.

Love who you are.

Fuck you and your limiting beliefs. Live the life you deserve. Be fierce. Don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way. Smash blocks, bust down walls, live out loud.

You can do big and great things. You deserve everything you want!

So as I stand here in what seems like quiet agony, I look at Brendan.