The Soldier Next Door

I am lying in bed early morning; the sun has just started to trickle over the horizon. The fresh breeze from the open window is lying cool against my skin. Yet, the bed remains warm, only on the side where I sleep. The rest of the spaces are empty as it has been for the past three days.

I have not heard of less even seen Ana. Yes, I am somewhat nervous and worried about where she finds herself, but I know that she would have gotten someone to phone if she was in trouble.

I do not even have an idea where she is.

Does this bug me?

Well, of course, it does, yet it is not going to change a thing that I am still furious with her. I rather only but shake my head to get the images and words out of my mind. I do not wish for it to linger. The less I see her at present, the better.

But see is not the problem, for next, I see a call coming through as my phone lights up.

It is Ana.

So not knowing if I should feel excited or annoyed, I answer the call, “Yes, Ana. Have you finally remember where you live?”

“Ethan, please do not start your shit again. I am phoning to ask for help.

“Ah, is that the only time you care? When you need something?”

I listen as she huffs and grunts at me on the other side, “Ugh, you are being an asshole so early in the morning. Can we just forget about this goddamn failed relationship and talk like two friends.”

“No, you know what I have come to realize these last few days while I wallowed in my own goddamn misery?”

“No, and I don’t know why we have to discuss this again?”Property © 2024 N0(v)elDrama.Org.

“Because I want you to listen until it sinks into your fucking head. The fact is that you were never mine, to begin with; I do realize that now. But I let you in whenever you needed or wanted me to be there. I should not have, but I did.”

I pause for a breath moment as I listen to the irritation in her breathing begin to rise, yet I do not give a shit. For I only continue, “I chose to be with you not because I was desperate because something in me could never stop caring and loving for you or even more, that I needed you. Yes, I needed you; I needed you to love me.”

The goddamn woman needs to go a chuckle, that sound out her mouth, you, just as that mouth itself is like a sweetness that fills you up.

Why the fuck am I still on this call?

She has me in tatters, and now she has done it all over again.

“Ana, I can no longer be your doormat. I fell in love with everything about you, except for the way you treated me; how is that even possible. When we were together, I felt like I had tunnel vision. I was so focused on you and everything you had to say. The way you smiled at me, god, your smile melted me.”

She wants to talk, but I hear her sigh as she lets me carry on speaking, “I told myself every time you left, I wouldn’t let this happen again. Then I would get a text from you, and my heart would melt. I never had to think about it. I knew I wanted to see you. I wanted that time with you. But every time you left, you made it clear I was your last thought or not never a thought at all.”

“Ethan. We would have never worked.” And for one brief while, as she pauses, I could almost say that she is crying. Yet, “We could not work then; what makes you think it will work again?”

“You know what, Ana. This…us…I don’t deserve this, and I never did. When you phoned, I will be honest, it did give me some hope, but I cannot fight this battle with you anymore. I cannot fight to have you around. I cannot fight to see you. And least of all, I cannot fight for someone that will not fight for me.”

“Ethan, please.”

“No, Ana. This ‘thing’ is toxic. I want to believe you didn’t know you were hurting me, but I think you did. I don’t hate you, but I love myself too much to keep trying to love you. It’s time to let go of the woman I fell in love with but didn’t love me.”

With that, I hear her burst out in tears as I drop the phone, well, more like toss it to the other side of the room.

Much annoyed self, I go to the lounge. Okay, yes, what did she needed help with? Can the person she is with not do this for her?

Ya, I am being unreasonable, but who truly gives two shits.

So I sit down with a goddamn beer at eight in the morning, now if Ana were here, I would be dead, but she is not, and that is why I have another half an hour later again. And after that, one more and even after that again. So going well on my way to being drunk at ten in the morning, I scratch around for my box with the letters to my boy.

After finding the pen and the book, I decide to put down the final words I will ever tell Ana. I have decided I am now leaving her for good this time. She cannot tell me she loves me, and I cannot live with someone that does not care.

“Dear Ana,

I still call you my girlfriend, but you are my ex now, even though I can’t seem to get used to calling you that.

Do you know how badly you hurt me? I cried so much because of you, and you didn’t care about my tears.

You just kept hurting me with your words and your actions.

Did you ever truly love me? Maybe you did, but I felt that love only on rare occasions.

What I am sure of, however, is how much I loved you. You were everything to me, and you meant to me more than anything or anyone ever did.

I loved you more than I loved myself, and that is why you got the chance to hurt me so much.

You were bad for me, and I knew that, but I just kept ignoring it.

I guess I always thought I could change you, but the opposite happened because you changed me.

Maybe you didn’t mean to turn me into a desperate man who was ready to beg for love, and you did actually want to turn me into someone better, but it means that you didn’t love me for who I am.

You never saw the best in me, you only saw the worst, and you made sure I saw that too. Soon, it was the only thing I saw in me.

It made me depressed and broken, but I kept hoping I’d earn your love one day. Did I ever get close?

How you treated me throughout our relationship was how you hurt me the most.

You convinced me that I was worthless and that no one else would ever love me.

I was never good enough for you, no matter how hard I tried. Why were you with me, then? You never could explain that part.

It made me think you felt sorry for me because you were so good at making me feel unworthy of love. I know that you know now how wrong you were.

You have seen how happy I am now that I’ve finally gotten over you. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it.

You no longer have a place in my heart, and I’ve let go of the past. I have a future now, which is something I never felt like I had when I was with you.

We always lived a day at a time, never knowing if the next one we’d still be together. It was your choice that we lived that way, not mine.

I never wished for you to be unhappy, not when I was with you, not when we broke up, and not now that I’m over you.

I guess I somehow still wish that you could change. Maybe you even have now… But I can see that you’re unhappy.

You don’t have someone to love you, and it will be impossible to find someone who’ll love you as much as I did. I’m sorry about that.

You lost your chance with me, and you’ll never get another one, but I wish there were someone who would take care of you.

I’m not going to do that, not anymore, but someone has to.

The reason you made me suffer so much is that you’re the one who’s suffering.

Maybe you’re not aware of that yet, or maybe you finally are, but you’ve been hurting yourself too.

I started this letter by telling you how much you hurt me, but it doesn’t mean you’re bad.

Good people do bad things, and most of the time, it’s because someone had done bad things to do them.

Maybe I’m mistaken, and you simply are a bad person, but I choose to believe that you’re not.

That is why I think you might be hurting now and that you might feel bad about hurting me so much.

So, I’m writing you this letter to forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me, and I want you to forgive yourself for all the bad things you’ve done.

You need to love yourself like I learned to love myself again, and maybe then you’ll finally be able to love someone else too.

I can’t love you anymore. You are forgiven for everything you did, and I am trying to forget it too. That’s another reason why I’m writing this letter to you.

I want all the hurt you caused me to be written here and stay here.

The words should soak the pain in, so I can finally truly move on like nothing ever happened, and I want you to do the same. Give yourself a fresh start, and start a new life, leaving the baggage behind. I know I’m about to do that.

You were the woman who hurt me the most, and I forgive you for it.

The past is behind us, and I hope your future looks as bright as mine does, now that I’m saying goodbye to all that baggage and goodbye to you – the woman who hurt me the most and, at the same time, the woman I loved the most.

Bye.”

But just as I am about to put it in an envelope and leave the room, the front door swings wide open.