The Haunted’s Kiss of Regret and Repentance

“Shyne!” I screamed when I saw that my younger teenage self was about to jump on the cliff.

“No!” I reached her, and I was able to pull her backwards, and we both fell to the ground, “Stop it, Shyne! You don’t want to do this!” I said with tears forming in my eyes as I sat on her stomach and grabbed her hands so I could pin it to her sides as I used both my legs to lock her legs in place.

“I’m tired!” She screamed, “I’m tired! I’m tired! I’m tired! I’m tired!” She screamed over and over again as loud as she could while her tears dropped like rain on the sides of her face.

My heart began to hurt, and my tears fell on her cheeks as I looked down on her and gave more effort in holding her down with all my force and weight. I felt like there was an iron rod being plunged down my throat and through my heart. It was mortifying to think that this situation is happening, and it’s even more unnerving since I know that this is a dream and yet it feels too real.

“Let go of me! Now!” She screamed, and she gave everything she had to push me aside.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

I was out of balance the moment she was able to push me off, and I crawled to stand up and dashed to my teenage self when I realized that her goal was to jump.

I screamed when I saw my teenage self jumping off the cliff. I caught her in time, but I screamed as my elbow dislocated, and I could feel the bones and muscles strain as I tried to pull her entire body up by her hand.

“Let go!” She screamed and wiggled a bit, but I clenched my teeth and tried to pull her back up.

“No!” I screamed back, “This is a stupid idea and you know it!” I winced when I felt the pain in the entire half of my body that was holding my teenage self up.

“You know nothing!” She screamed back as she cried hard but didn’t move, “I’m tired of this life! I already broke it, so why should I even try to live it?! Just let go of me and let me be free!”

“I won’t! You will never be free even if you die!” I screamed back at her as my tears fell as well, “You’ll never be free from the guilt, Shyne” I said in a loud but rough voice.

“I’m you, Shyne,” I said to my stubborn teenage self who was now looking at me with tears in her eyes, “I tried to run and let go of the world without fixing things and I lived a life of regret. I lived that life and I didn’t notice that a lot of lives were also ruined because I was too big of a coward to face the mistakes that I made and their consequences!”

I tried to hold her tighter when I felt her begin to slip. I was desperate, and I tried to hold on.

“Shyne,” I pleaded with clenched teeth as my jaw was now lock in place with all the force I was exerting to pull her up, “Please, Shyne, help me pull you up. Do something, please, Shyne, please.” I begged her.

The wind picked up, and a gush of wind pushed me, and we both screamed as the two of us began to fall down the cliff. My head throbbed when I hit the water and I blacked out.

“So why didn’t you kill yourself, huh?” A girl’s voice said, and I bolted right up. I looked around me, and my eyes fell on the fifteen-year-old me who was now little across me on a green field.

“I am so confused,” I whispered, my head didn’t hurt, and I felt great, but I feel distorted because of all that’s happening.

“Hey,” younger me waved her hand in front of my face, and I shook my head and focused on her.

“Sorry,” I apologized and decided to focus on her. There was no need to try and understand things since this was just a weird dream or vision or something.

“So why didn’t you kill yourself, huh?” she asked again. I looked at her and I sat straighter and gave her a warm smile.

“Well,” I thought about it, “When I realized how wrong I was, I realized that running away was stupid. If I was really regretting what I did in the past, I needed to face the consequences and make them as right as possible.”

I moved my body and I didn’t feel any pain. I just felt like nothing happened.

“Why do you think you’re dreaming these weird scenarios?” She asked. I was caught off guard and I just scratched my head.

“Well, I have no idea,” I said and chuckled, “I guess you’re here to help me figure that one out. I just want to know what I should fix in myself so I can feel the freedom that you want to feel,” I looked at the beautiful cloudy sky, “I guess I needed to forgive myself so I could be free.”

My and the younger version of me talked about our regrets, our big and small mistakes, and our hopes for the future. The two of us enjoyed talking, and I realized that I’ve been too caught up with blaming people, that I forgot to take the blame and face what I have made.

“Thank you,” I said to my younger self, and we both judged.

We end our talk with a promise of a better future with a pinky promise. As I hugged my younger self again, the teenager faded to smoke and disappeared. I took a deep breath a few times and just enjoyed the warmth of the surroundings and the fresh air that was now blowing in a gentle breeze.

When I turned around, I saw that there were two people walking towards me. I gasped and covered my mouth as my tears fell. I looked closer as I saw that it was Rian with a child about four years old in tow.

My legs and my entire body was shaking as I looked at the approaching people. The boy held Rian’s hand, and the two wore white as they smiled at me while they approached my frozen self.

“R-Rian…” I whispered as he walked a bit faster, and he stopped about a meter away from me. The boy hid behind him without letting go of his hand.

“Hello, my love,” he said in a gentle voice as he smiled at me. My tears kept falling, but I smiled back at him.

“Shyne,” he said and gestured for me to sit on the grass. I complied as he pulled the boy gently and carried him as he sat cross-legged in front of me and placed the boy on his crossed legs.

“My love, this is Kenny,” he said, and the boy had my features. The only thing he had similar to Rian were his pointy nose and cleft chin. I smiled at him as he smiled back at me.

“Hey, buddy,” I said gently as I reached my hand to him, “I’m your mommy,” I said as he smiled wide and jumped to me.

Rian and I laughed at the boy, and I hugged him tight. I felt love from him, and my heart swelled at the regret at love that I felt.

“I’m sorry, baby,” I whispered to the little boy’s ear as I hugged him tight.

“I love you mommy, I forgive you,” the child said and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I cried some more and felt warmth surrounding me. The kind of warmth that made me feel like everything in this would always be alright. It was like a welcoming warmth of hope, and a warmth that one would feel when one is surrounded by people they love.

I knew that it would only be for a few moments, but time felt so slow in the place where we were. Rian and I spent time with our son. In this place where time seemed to freeze and give us another chance to be a family, I felt at peace. I knew that if it happened in another time and in another, I would be happy with the two of them. We both called him Kenny, since it was the name that Rian was always telling me. I knew that it was all just a dream, but I still thanked God that I was able to have the closure I wanted. In the end, Rian and the child, Kenny, gave me a big hug.

I welcomed their hug as tight and as long as I could. I knew that I would never see them again, but I could use this feeling of joy and have a family of my own in the future. They will never be forgotten, and the special little time that God has given me will forever be instilled and saved in my heart until the day I pass away.

“Thank you,” I said to Rian as the boy hugged his dad while he slept in his arms.

Rian and I looked at the boy, and he wiped the tears that fell from my eyes. The way that he wiped my tears made me feel the warmth of his touch. He felt so alive. It felt as though this was truly goodbye.

“Thank you too, my love, for forgiving me, for forgiving yourself, and for setting the both of us free,” he said and kissed my temple.

I kissed his cheek and our son’s temple, and for the first and last time ever since the last time we’ve seen each other in person, I looked at Rian, and we shared one small peck on the lips. I opened my eyes to reality.