Chapter 25 : The Past, The Present and The Future
The next day, I actually sat down with him as we ate. I almost burst out laughing at the way Riven froze when he realised that I was taking out a chair to take the seat on the opposite side of him. I smugly hid my smile by looking down at the plate of food, fully aware that he was still staring at me with wary eyes as if I could disappear at any moment. It took him some time to realise how rude his staring was and when he did he gulped down the food he had in his mouth and resumed back to eating. But the silence only lasted that long.
"What made you change your mind?"
Even the uncertainty in his voice amused me.
"Come on," I rolled my eyes, not really sure what caused my joyful mood this morning. "I think that after tonight, we have the capacity to eat at the same table."
Riven nodded slowly and then took another piece of the grilled fish before looking back at me again.
"You seem different," He pointed out with his mouth half-full.
"You," I waved around with my fork in front of his face. "Are in no position to talk about being different. I still can't wrap my head around how dirty your mouth is." His entire face got red and he buried it in his hands. I let out a loud chuckle.
"Honestly," I threw a pea at him. "How can you be self-conscious about it now when you had plenty of time to be self-conscious about it when it actually happened?" "It's..." He started out slowly. "Different..."
"Because you start thinking with your dick or..." I ducked when Riven threw a pea back at me.
"I will not you."
"Yet," I added because I was confident that I could pry out the answer from him.
"Yet," He agreed because he was confident that I could pry out the answer from him. It felt like a small victory, but then his grin widened to the familiar form of yesterday. "But you can't deny that you enjoyed it."
Now it was my turn to blush and I couldn't help but curse myself in my mind for starting a game I wasn't sure if I wanted to play.
"You have no proof," I snapped back in response.
"The sounds you made are proof," He was definitely going back to his alter-ego (the one that wasn't a murderous beast).
"Maybe I'm a good actress," I shrugged and put a piece of carrot in my mouth to have something else to focus on rather than his amused eyes.
"Oh, trust me," He said this, low and careful. "Those weren't fake."
To this, I just threw the entire fork in my hand, but he and his cursed werewolf reflexes caught without even blinking.
"And I know for a fact," I could kill him for his smirk (or kiss it off) as he wouldn't stop talking. "That you are extremely excited about the promises I made as well. Don't you worry, I'll make sure that everyone in town will hear you when you scream my name."
I froze suddenly.
"Don't," I hissed between my teeth and Riven must have sensed the shift in energy because he backed down from where he'd been leaning towards me. "Don't mention my life before this."
Of course, I knew that the town still existed. Of course, I remembered that I had a life before this. But it was unreachable, and it was a long lost dream and despite doing this to save them, it was much easier to just pretend that I actually wanted this. It was easier to just pretend that Riven and I had chosen each other and fallen in love. It was easier to just pretend that we had chosen to move away from everything and everyone to just live our lives in this forest cottage with our own provisions. It was just easier to pretend that the life I had before this didn't exist.
"Liliana..." Riven's voice was now soft and careful and I wanted to strangle him for it.
"Don't," The chair fell back as I rose. "I'm sorry but don't."
"You don't even know what I'm about to say," Riven protested.
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"It's going to be some kind of apology," I snapped back and judging by Riven's face, I knew I was right. "I don't want your pity, and I definitely don't want you to give some half-excuse about how we're both stuck in here." Riven said nothing.
"I just want to pretend that I could be happy here. That this is my choice and that I'm letting you touch me."
"Isn't this your choice?..." Riven was hesitant.
"This is a bargain!" I shouted back. "This is a bargain where I sell my body to keep the ones I actually love safe."Content protected by Nôv/el(D)rama.Org.
Riven flinched at the word "love" and I wondered how many had actually loved him as a boy. Perhaps, his parents, perhaps his siblings if he had any but his story was told in a way where no one had loved him, not enough to pick him first. Not his best friend and certainly not the love he had been in love with. When one cannot earn love, does one bargain for it as he'd done with the witch? Like he'd done with me? Has anyone ever loved him? I can't, I already know that. I can feel affection for him, feel pity, but none of those was strong enough to oversee what he actually was, a beast who'd taken many, who'd taken my mother. I would never be able to love him
"This. Was. Your Idea." The sound of his voice caught me off guard because he wasn't calm and quiet, he wasn't dominant and seductive, and he wasn't broken and desperate. He was furious.
And his eyes burned just the same.
"Be mad at me and the world all you want," Riven was up from his seat as well, hand tightly gripping the edge of the table as he stared me down. "Pretend that you didn't do this to yourself. But I won't." There was a crash when his chair joined me on the floor as well.
"Don't think for a second that I enjoy knowing that all this isn't for me but for you and your precious Nathan."
"Don't," I spat out as a warning.
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"Don't what? Remind you? Say his name?" Riven said mockingly. "If I have to be reminded every time that what I want is impossible, then you might as well feel the taste of it yourself."
I could not reply, and it was not because of my dry throat.
"You're not the only martyr in the glade," Riven spat. "So stop acting as if you're the only one who has lost."
He was about to storm out the door when I instinctively grabbed his arm. It got the effect I wanted, he stopped in his tracks, but I had not planned on reaching out and therefore not planned what to do next either. He did not look at me, and I did not know if that made it better or worse. Instead, I was stuck studying his ruffled white hair and his tense muscles flex under the same tension and nervousness that I was feeling by just looking at him.
The worst thing was that I was the one wrong in the situation, not only because this entire time, I hadn't asked him about his boundaries but because I knew enough about his past and him to know that this hurt him as much as it hurt me, if not even more. Time had not dulled his pain as it'd done with many, if anything, his loneliness seemed to have amplified it. I might have lost everything recently, but Riven had been left with nothing for a long time now.
"I'm sorry," I whispered and hoped that he understood.
He relaxed under my touch and turned to face me and for the first time, it struck me how similar his eyes colour were to the colour of the forest, as if his soul belonged there. Maybe it did. I couldn't imagine a version of Riven that belonged in the city, even without the beast, it occurred to me that Riven would still thrive best surrounded by nature.
When he didn't respond, I desperately tried something else.
"How about this," I started carefully. "You don't mention my past and I don't mention our bargain."
Riven exhaled in a way I couldn't read so I continued.
"We forget this but not our agreement," And when he didn't respond I laid my last card. "Please..."
At the sound of my plea, he sighed heavily and closed his eyes. For a second I thought he was going to protest but instead he finally turned my way and placed a hand on my cheek, gently, just like he'd done before.
"Okay," He breathed out, slowly studying my face. "May I?"
I nodded once and then familiar his lips were on mine.