The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

Chapter 216

Arrick’s POV

~ After the nightclub ~

I sink back on the couch and stare into the semi darkness, cradling my second coffee since we got back here, and try like hell to sober myself up. Head swimming and sinking slowly into the softness of my couch, while trying to get a grip on reality. All I have done since we got home is sit here and try to pull all the shit in my head back together. Try to make sense of the entire night that pretty much went to crap from the moment I downed the first vodka. Content property of NôvelDra/ma.Org.

Drink and I are not friends right now, and if I have any chance of salvaging anything, then I need to sober up fast. Sophie is in the shower, she headed there as soon as we got back, and I sat here waiting for her. I need to talk to her, to figure some of this out and I have no clue what to do. Tonight, taught me a couple of things.

One. That drunk, I feel about Sophie the way she feels about me and I want her in every way; physically, mentally, every way, but when I’m sober that inability to cross the emotional line with her wins me round and puts me back on the side of being unable to go there. Sober I let my head rule and my heart goes back into submission.

Two. I also care about Natasha, and there is enough doubt in me, that we are falling apart due to relationship neglect to not dismiss her entirely. There is a fear that if I go down the route with Sophie, I will regret and miss what I had with Tasha. That I will realize I love her and ruin three lives for one fleeting moment of selfishness.

Three. I’m a shit head of epic proportions, because I am literally unable to pick a girl, pick a feeling, and fucking stick with it. I was always decisive in life and did the right thing, but when faced with this dilemma, I have turned into a giant asshole with no ability to choose anything anymore. I do not know which way to go in any direction. I thought I made a choice tonight and it felt final. Then Sophie and

that guy, and here we are. I ran off leaving Tasha in a nightclub with my phone and wallet somehow, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole that makes me, yet, when I was doing it I gave not one shit about it. So sick of this overwhelming guilt that consumes me all the time.

Sophie appears in the space in front of me, wrapped in my bathrobe, clean and damp haired from the shower she took. She’s been a while; god knows exactly how long in there as I was lost in my own head and trying to get less drunk with a shit ton of coffee. She looks like her normal young self; innocent and fragile, and I my insides sink lower.

“You feeling any better?” Her eyes meet mine and for once I feel nothing but overwhelming shitness at this whole sorry situation. I wish I could be transported anywhere but here and not have to deal with this at all.

“I’m okay. You can stop worrying about me.... Did you call Natasha?” She gazes at me pointedly, another wave of utter shitness at my behavior and another reason to sink lower in my seat. Ashamed of who I am right now.

“I’ve lost my phone, somewhere between smashing some asshole, and running out of a club after you.” I shrug, assuming when I hauled my jacket up, the contents I stupidly left behind were my phone and wallet, containing my key card to enter my own apartment. If Natasha has them then she might save me the job of cancelling all my cards and cell and having to get all new tomorrow morning. I don’t want to even think about it until I’ve slept.

“I’m hoping she has it and has sense to realize I followed you.” I lean forward and deposit my mug on the table, second coffee making me nauseous and at least I’m not as drunk as I was, although I’m still pretty far gone by normal standards. Heads still surreal, room still sliding like I’m at sea, and insides doing a rhumba. I glance up, catching Sophie’s eyes on my hands and look down at them too. Bruised up, cut and messy from bare knuckle punches. It doesn’t hurt anywhere near as bad as they look at all,

but just the sight of them reminds me how close I was to doing the worst thing I would have ever done in my life. I get up and shake them, as though trying to also shake that thought away.

“I wanted to kill him.” I catch her eyes again, stating the obvious with only seriousness in my tone.

“I saw.” She frowns, looking emotional as her eyes glaze a little, and it cuts me to the quick that it’s affected her this much. That he’s hurt her this way.

“I would have killed him, Sophs, if you hadn’t gotten in the way, if you hadn’t stood between us. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life and I didn’t care about the outcome at all.” I look at my hands again, ashamed to admit that I would have gone that far, lost so much control, but for her I would do it all over again. “What’s happening to us?”

I look up at her forlornly, consumed with everything of the past weeks and so out of my depths in every way when it comes to her anymore. We were always something special, but this, us, what we are now, it’s falling apart around me.

“I don’t know.” Tears fill her eyes and I just want to wipe them away, aching for how we used to be. Before this mess. Knowing her tears are for the same reason my heart is bleeding, we both know that we’re losing each other over this whole thing and it’s agony.

“It used to be easy. Even when I came and pushed off assholes hassling you, it never felt like tonight did. Why did we have to change? Why did how this feels have to change?” The emotion overtakes me, and I’m emotionally wrecked and torn up inside. Longing for an easier time between us, when my life was straightforward, and no one was getting hurt. When I didn’t have to choose or dissect our lives and what we all mean to one another.

A tear rolls down Sophies cheek, hurting me too and she shakes her head sadly. No more able to answer the questions than I am. Our situation is hopeless and there are no easy answers or resolutions to any of this shit.

“I thought I knew what you were to me.... Always. Then this. All of this has me back to front and so crazy fucked up. I see you, and I see her, and I honestly don’t know what to do. Tonight, I told her I wanted to try again, start over with dating again, go back to the start. I made my choice. I wasn’t going to deal with any of this shit between us anymore. I was going to fix this, put it all back to how it should be. Safe and neatly labeled as untouchable, platonic, and someone I will always protect. I shouldn’t see you as anything other than that.” I search her face hopelessly for the answers and break inside when all I get are tears washing down her cheeks so hopelessly. I hate when she cries, it rips me apart in every kind of way and more so when I’m the cause. “Then I saw him touching you.” I can’t look at her while I’m saying all this out loud, like my head is opening up and everything spews out. All the thoughts that have spiraled and circled for weeks, endlessly torturing my mind and soul. Kicking at the floor with my boot, in a bid to not fall apart in despair as I talk.

“Before he even put his hands on your throat, I was making my way to you, to talk, to explain. Seeing another guy touching you, Sophs... Kissing you. I didn’t know if it was wanted, or not at first.” I swallow hard, moving towards her without even thinking about what ‘am doing, she’s too inviting standing there, the subject too heart wrenching for me, and I want to be near her. Inhale the sweet scent that is all Sophie and feel the way she makes me feel when she’s close. Like everything can be okay again. She’s crying silently, it makes my heart ache as I trace away the soft tears with my fingertips over her delicate face. Awed by how beautiful she is, even when she cries. Sophie has no concept of how breathtaking she is in every way. She’s always been my ultimate weakness.

“It didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel like it used to when I showed up at a club and chased them off. It felt like I couldn’t breathe, that you were ripping my heart out by kissing some other guy and I saw red.” I inch closer, needing the calm she always brings me, even when things are this messed up. I need the magic spell she weaves around me with her touch alone, the silence of her skin when it’s on mine. Someone with a head like mine, needs an enchantress with this kind of skill to keep me sane. Sophie takes a sudden deep breath and I know she’s on the verge of new tears.

“I didn’t just hit him because he was hurting you. I hit him because he was touching you, because he dared to kiss you. And that’s fucked up. How can I be that way with you, after everything? And still tell her that I want to make this work?” My voice breaks, so much confusion even now, still after all this time to get used to this. It wrecks what is left of my sanity, that I am no further forward in any sense.

Sophie shakes her head, but like a moth to the light, my fingers are already on her skin, softly tracing the gentle curve of her jawline and cheek. The perfection of her and how amidst all the chaos, she’s like a gentle warm island with a soft breeze that gives me a moment to be still. If I could stay here like this forever, then maybe life would be okay again, bearable, calm, and quiet once more. My fingers draw downwards and bring attention to the subtle bruising on her skin around her neck where that asshole had a grip on her, and it makes me feel sick.

The thought that anyone would ever want to hurt Sophie, for any reason, especially not like this. She never asked for any of the pain that’s thrown her way in life, for men to want to abuse her, and I should have been there to protect her. That’s always been my purpose in life, since the day I met her, and I have dropped the ball, ashamed of the failure.

I drag my eyes up to stop the torture the marks are inflicting on me and realize she has her eyes closed to my touch, breathing slowly and so very still. She looks ethereal like this, free of makeup, hair damp and hanging in waves she normally dries out straight. It reminds me of how wavy her long hair was when I met her before she opted for sleek and styled. A simpler time between us. I move close enough to almost touch noses; it’s automatic, like I have no control but be pulled to the siren she is.

“I tell myself over and over that it’s not morally right to think about you like this. That I can never go down that road of taking this further, yet all I think about is what it would be like. What being with you properly would be like. What kissing you felt like, what being close to you does to me.” I lean forward impulsively, so I almost do touch her and breathe her in, all the scents of the shower and that most alluring smell of her. Losing myself in the headiness sensation of this intimacy. She trembles, because of the closeness, the softness of my voice against her and the sheer intensity of the air between us. I

want to be wrapped in her, the stillness that comes from being with her. I need to calm all the chaos in my head for even just a moment.

“Then I get this close to you, and all I think about is how good you feel, and what it’s like to kiss you. How many times I’ve wanted to and never allowed.” I gaze at those pouted soft lips, made for kissing, the sensual curve and gentle color. Aching to have the courage to let it all go and find myself in her kiss again, because really, I’ve wanted to ever since the night Emma had Ava.

I hesitate, needing it so badly that my whole body is pushing me to just kiss her. Fear consuming me, that maybe if I do, I won’t have the strength to stop this time. Sophie looks up at me; determination flashes across that face and she leans up to do what I can’t, boldly, and pushes her mouth against mine without hesitation. My fearless girl, always going after what she wants in life and for once I’m going to let her have it. Because I need it too.

I kiss her back, softly, gently. Trying not to let the wave of lust and longing take over and push this to something more than a kiss that means something. Straining with everything in me to keep control, but she feels too good, and booze always pushes my sex drive to the forefront. Soft, exploratory, gentle caressing of lips and mouths, probing of tongue, my hands moving to her hair as I sweep it back out of his way. I angle in further to get a better mold to her mouth, so I can show her the art of really kissing her in a way that I want to, aware that my body wants to fully ignite. Everything inside of me is buzzing and tingling with how kissing her makes me feel, lust joining the crescendo of feelings.

I kiss her like a man kisses the woman he wants to strip naked and make love to all night long. Nothing holding back, and willingness to surrender myself to her in all ways, killing every other thought in my head. Sophie’s hands glide up my body, erupting a million sensations and cravings within and I immediately feel the arousal in my pants growing. Her touch has a way of igniting the longing effortlessly as though she was made with only the purpose to fire me up. She roams beyond my pecks; hands skirting my shoulders as I keep kissing her and then my neck, nails raking my hair when she slides her hands further up sensually.

My body becomes a mass of goosebumps and electricity. My hard on instantly in full glory and I cannot deny I want sex so badly that I’m almost vibrating from it. I want sex with Sophie, to curb the longing and cravings she makes me have. To alleviate this madness that’s been my constant bedfellow since that first kiss.

I pull her against me hard, scooting down so as not to impale her with my dick and maneuver so I am closer to her height this way. Sophies body signals and roaming hands are urging and pushing me on. I can tell she wants this too and I have no more reservations about doing this. I want her.

I push her loose robe back off her shoulders a little and the weight of it pulls it further back as it slides down creamy flawless skin and expanse of shoulders and collarbone. Sophie inhales sharply as the robe slides, the tie loosening and slips further down to stop at the crook of her elbows, opening fully and I am given a full unobstructed view of her breasts and abdomen from here. Her lower body concealed by mine, but it’s more than enough to feel completely humbled by the vision of her.

“You’re so beautiful in every way. So fucking perfect.” Her body looks carved from ivory and I want to own every part of this, the completion I might find in her. I kiss her again, losing the last ounces of that self-control and kissing her with fiery lust. Aching so strong at seeing what I can devour, that it consumes me and quiets my brain fully.

I slide my hands under her hair, entangling my fingers in its damp lengths and tug her into me more forcefully, so our mouths are forcefully connected. I want to kiss her into submission, have her panting and longing with every ounce of her body, the way she’s making me feel. I want her to want me as much as I want her, with the intensity, insanity and desire so strong, it consumes us. I can feel it between us, the desperation to be joined fully, the passion pulsing as she grips at me and moans subtly under her breath. I want to make her moan, groan and scream my name.

To end this craziness of the past months and take this step to solidify what we are to each other. I can barely breathe with the excitement and need in me to do so. My body on fire and urges for sex, driving

me crazy. I let my hands loose to trace her spine, her naked skin, and ignite a fire in my hands. Head blacking out all but her, my calm in the storm and she owns me in this second. My tongue gliding against hers, her soft lips mine to tease and suck and nibble.

Kissing her is beyond anything I can ever describe. Just like every other time I’ve kissed her, it only leaves me wanting more, like an addiction I will never curb. I slide my hands into the open robe and down her curves, to pull it apart further, intent on one purpose alone. Getting us both naked and being inside of her. I want her, in every way and tonight I am going to have her. Every inch of that satin skin around me and give up my entire mind to her. Lose myself in Sophie and see what happens when we come out the other end, relinquish all control for once and let my instincts, my desires lead the way.

I know it’s because I am still crazily drunk and this way my head can let go a little more, but I don’t care. I’m in the moment for once, and it feels like where I always should be. I stop kissing her to trace my mouth up her neck, to kiss away the marks of that asshole and silently promise to never let it happen again. I push her hair aside to suck and nibble lower, across her collarbone and the soft rise of her body, leading way to her breast.

I can’t stop, this need to devour every inch of her beautiful body and nothing inside of me is telling me this is wrong in any way. Sophies hands are on me still, guiding me gently, raking my hair and every breath, moan, and sigh from her only encourages me to keep going. Her body is yearning as much as mine and the climax will be stupendous when I get us there. I suck in her nipple, making it peak in my mouth and almost groan at the way my dick almost tries to rip through my pants. Her skin tastes sweet, soft, and warm and the urge to rip my clothes off and just do this is overwhelming. I need to slow it down and take my time, I need to have a little control, despite every part of me longing to pick her up, back her up against the wall and fuck her hard and steady, until we cum together. The thought of Sophie orgasming on top of me is a wet dream in itself.

“Arrick?” Natasha’s shocked voice drags us apart quickly, spinning to see her standing in the open elevator in wide eyed heartbreak. I let go of Sophie and go into some sort of silent shock, poised and

still mode. Like this isn’t real. Unable to really react for a moment.

It’s like a dream and I’m not sure if this is actually happening. My head takes a second to really process the fact that she is standing there, holding my cell and wallet, which is probably how she got in, and the realization that if she hadn’t, I would have fucked Sophie without a doubt, probably been starting in about twenty seconds flat.

I was about to cross all lines, without a care, and Natasha is the only thing stopping me, by presence alone. I can barely register what Sophie is doing beside me, other than see from the corner of my eye that she is fixing her robe. I can’t even look at her in this moment. All three of us silent in this agonizing second of pause. Guilt crashing in, after delayed shock; consuming my insides and making every part of me wake up in agonizing reality and heaviness. Nothing sobers you up like the sort of girlfriend catching you sucking another girl’s breasts.

“How could you?” Natasha breaks first, looking from me and then to Sophie accusingly, like this is a double betrayal and the words stab me in the gut. Ashamed that I could do this to anyone, let alone her. My brain finally re-engaging. She throws my phone and wallet loudly on the floor out of the elevator between us, across the space in a weirdly symbolic way; it crashes and slides ungracefully across the marble, killing the heavy silence, tears blinding her as I hesitate.

Unsure what to do or how to react. I glance at Sophie, who’s looking wild haired, her face flushed from arousal and her lips kiss swollen. I can’t deny my body still reacts to her in every way, and I know staying here will be a huge mistake. I’m too drunk, and I’ll go back to what I was doing to her, without hesitation if Natasha leaves.

Natasha deserves more, especially after I sat in that bar and told her we could start over. I at least owe it to her to apologize, to grovel a little and talk this out. I have no clue what I’m even going to say or what I want, head torn between a drunk me, saying ‘fuck it, let her go and screw Sophie into ecstasy’, and sober me saying ‘Don’t be this asshole, give a shit, care about the girl you loved’.

The doors start to close on her, and I move with lightning speed, indecision gone, instinct and sober brain overtaking. Crossing the floor in seconds and slamming a hand between them so I can squeeze through; I’m not the same asshole my father was when my mom caught him having an affair. He didn’t chase her at first, he didn’t tell her he was sorry, and it almost ended her. I’m not him in this.

Not really thinking this through, and just reacting with panic. I’ll be a better guy. I slide beside Natasha as she backs into the corner and then slaps me hard venomously across the face, a nothing sting of a feeble hit that doesn’t do much, except let her vent her heartbreak. The doors are shut, and I just left Sophie in my apartment without another word, to chase Natasha and I honestly have no clue as to how I should feel about that. Instant regret that I followed when I should have stayed. Everything inside of me bitterly hating myself that I left her and how that’s going to look to her. I don’t react to the slap, my brain upstairs on running out on her, guilt hitting hard, yet here I am, and I need to deal with this. I did this, I created this situation and I need to fix it or fuck all three of us up for an eternity.

“I trusted you” Natasha is sobbing at me, broken and tiny with huge hurt eyes and a trembling mouth. All I can do is sigh and fall back against one wall opposite her and bury my face in my hands as I try to get a grip on this reality. It still feels like a bad dream and my head is still whirring and spinning as I try to catch up. I can still feel Sophs on my skin, her lips, her taste in my mouth.

“I know. I’m sorry, Tash, I’m an asshole and you deserve better.” It’s all I can say. I mean it, even if it really is lame as apologies go, I do feel bad for what I’m doing to both of them, but I don’t have a clue how to fix any of it. Sophie deserves more than this mess. She deserves a guy who wouldn’t make her endure this, or leave her up there to chase his ex.

It hits me like a blow that I just fucked up where she’s concerned, again. By leaving her like I did – I just told her that Natasha means more. Maybe I should evaluate that it was a gut reaction, and maybe she does mean more than I keep giving her credit for, I mean, I am here aren’t I. I chose to follow her.

“Have you been sleeping with her all along? Is she the reason for all this weirdness and breaking up?” She’s howling at me, the sounds of a shredded heart and broken soul and all I can do is stare at the black floor of the elevator and feel a ten-ton lead weight consume me. A horrid gut-wrenching hollowness kicking in.

Nothing sobers you up faster than reality hitting you in the face in this momentous way. I should have told her the truth weeks ago, but I was selfish and a coward, and maybe this right here is the head that needed to come before anything changed.

“No sex, but yes... she’s the reason I ended things with us, because I don’t know how I feel about her. We kissed a few times.” I lean my head back against the metal interior and look at the roof instead, avoiding the tearful shaking mess across from me, huddled tight and holding herself against the opposite wall, and feeling like the biggest shit head on the planet.

“You were going to have sex with her, if I hadn’t walked in?” Her voice is shaking, her tears pouring down her cheeks, which is weird to see as she rarely loses it in front of anyone and it just serves to cut me more. I am starting to feel strangely detached from reality right now, emotions numbing out and my brain keeps tugging back to Sophie and wondering what she’s doing right now, how she’s reacting to my leaving her there. I never even brought my cell to text her, not that I should. Natasha would fucking castrate me if I whipped it out and did that.

I can’t do a thing except follow through and talk to Natasha before I go home and talk to her and try to salvage what may be left. Sophs will be hating on my like crazy and that thought alone makes me feel sick.

“Yes. I was.” I won’t lie. I would have gone through with it without hesitation. If I stayed up there, I know I would still have followed through even now. I can’t get the feel of her off my body.

“It’s because I don’t give you sex enough isn’t it, because we are stale in that way? Do you love her?” Natasha moves towards me, no longer howling, but still gulping hard with a torrent of tears washing her face, she looks devastated, face contorted unattractively as she claws at what’s left of my heartstrings.

I shake my head, unable to even begin explaining the multi-facetted layers of my feelings towards Sophie. It’s never been about sex, until now and as for love, I think I maybe could be in love with both. I just don’t know anymore. The feelings are all muddled and confusing and I can’t separate duty, care, responsibility and affection form sex and lust and all that other shit.

“I’ll try harder, I’ll give you more sex, spice it up, do things you want to do.” She’s begging me, clinging to my arm and it feels like the tables are shifting. She doesn’t even give me a chance to answer her question on whether I love Sophie. Momentarily confused that she is now begging me to give her a chance when she just caught me cheating on her. Blanching at her, completely stupefied for a moment unable to process her reaction.

“Tasha, I just cheated on you.... Why are you asking me to let you try harder?” I blink at her in utter confusion. Losing a modicum of respect for her in this moment. Sophie would tear me a new one, and cut me out of her life if the role was reversed, probably cut my balls off too; she may even still do that, because I was stupid enough to leave her there and the thought sickens me.

“Because I can get past it, I see where we are failing, and I know we can fix this. We can do better. I won’t hold this against you, Arrick. I need you. I love you and I’ll die without you.” She breaks into another sob and throws her body into mine, so I have no choice but to hug her back, and suddenly realize how awkward this feels. How alien it is to hug someone who has been my girlfriend for two years. I can’t remember the last time we hugged for anything, we don’t touch often, except with sex or the odd kiss on the cheek, or arm in arm when at dinner. Touch between us feels weird and only highlights that what she is saying is true. We don’t touch or get intimate anymore.

“Natasha...” I start to talk but she leans up fast and covers my mouth with her fingertips to silence me. Panic in her eye and a frantic energy wafting up from her.

“You loved me once, we used to be so good together. Please let us try Arrick, please give me a chance to find us again and see if we can love one another properly once more. If it doesn’t work, then I will walk away without any drama. I just need a chance to make you happy.” She blinks up at me, heart on her face in full view, broken, torn, and devastated and guilt sucker punches me in a way I can’t combat. Every part of me aching with it painfully, swallowing hard when she’s basically begging me, in my face with all sorrow on show.

Good guy Arry is having too much of a hellish time, to reject her. So confused in this, in her reaction to what she just saw. My head on Sophie and yet, enough doubt in me to hesitate at what she is asking. Looking down at our bodies held closely, I try to feel something more than uncomfortable, realizing this is because of how we have let things get between us. Months if not more, of letting things between us become stagnant and empty.

I did love her once, I’m sure of it, because how else did I convince myself to settle for one girl when I was a complete slut before. This is as much my fault as hers for how we even got here. Sophie’s love confession came at a time when I was falling out of love with her, doubting my life, bored in my relationship and looking for happier pastures, and I wonder had it come in the first year would we even be here right now.

When I was invested in Natasha, happier, and still content enough to be with her. I’m not disloyal normally, I abhor cheating; it makes me feel despicable and all of this raises a million more doubts and questions for me.

“I don’t know, Tash.... I need to think, we need to talk. I’ll come with you and we will do that, but I’m making no promises.” I sigh, strangely defeated and tense when she wraps herself around me fully,

sliding her arms in about my waist and rests her head on my heart. It doesn’t feel the way Sophie feels but I can’t think about that now. I need to focus on the here and now.

“I wouldn’t know how to survive without you. I would kill myself.” She whispers breathily, and the tears sting my eyes, that heavy pit in my heart comes back full force with painful intensity. Instant guilt coursing through me at the realization that I can’t just walk away and discard her.