Life After the Storm

It has been busy, and Lily still has not woken up. I'm starting to get concerned, even though my mother is telling me that her body needs rest and once she is fully rested, she will wake up. I feel that all of this is my fault, sometimes I wish that we had never met. Wondering if all this pain that I cost her would have never happened.

I know that I have so much that I need to make up to her. I'm not even sure if she's going to allow me to even be in her life. I can't believe I was so dumb. I am still trying to forgive myself for all that I have done to her. All I want is for her to be OK. I know that we all have a long road in front of us. Figuring out all that we need to do just to be safe.

This place is so hidden, even if they do come look for us here, it's like we are camouflaged, unable to be seen. Sometimes I feel this place makes no sense. It's almost like it's a magical area that all the outside world is just sealed off to it. I worry as I watch mothers playing with their children. I'm afraid that we will only bring them danger. I don't want to be the cause of any more innocent wolves being killed.

I'm uncertain of how to even go about all of this. How to gain our freedom and not be targeted. We are such a rare breed of a wolf that everyone is going to want us. I wish I would have been up front with Lilly in the beginning. I think that maybe we could have dealt with all of this together. Instead, I tricked her and used her, just like everybody else did.

As healers, we are attracted to the broken-hearted. We do what is necessary to make them happy, to make them feel wanted. I almost felt like I used Lilly knowing what I had to do to have her, but fuck, I craved her body so much and felt her unhappiness. Which made me even want to please her even more.

I hated watching her with Sam and Ivan, but I knew that she only sought them because of their pain. I could feel their pain and their misery, and it made me feel sorry for them. So, I knew she only focused on making them feel good and that is why she was with them. I maybe just hoped that she had no feelings for them because I preferred to have all her feelings for me.

I know there is so much for me to make up for. I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to get her forgiveness. I will make it up to her for the rest of my life if I need to. I just know now I won't let her go so easily ever again. If she finds it in her heart to forgive me. I am never going to be afraid to love her again.This belongs © NôvelDra/ma.Org.

It's time for me to go, as I grab onto Lilly's hand and kiss it. I lean down, and I whisper in her ear, "I love you Lilly, I will be back. I need to go handle some things with the pack. Please come back to us. We need you. I'll be back as soon as I can, my love."

I hate leaving her, but I need to do whatever I need to do to make sure we are all safe. I have been walking the grounds to make sure there are no other wolves in the area. I'm shocked that I haven't seen any other wolves, I mean, don't get me wrong, I am relieved. That there have been no spottings. It also makes me nervous as well because I feel that something is coming. I just don't know what it is.

When I get outside, I shift into my wolf and begin my run. I love the way I feel when I freely run. I always enjoyed running. I try to focus as much as I can on my surroundings. As the wind blows, I try to focus on my snout, inhaling all the surrounding smells. Trying to detect anything that is unfamiliar. Thankfully, there isn't anything to be concerned about.

I'm afraid to feel safe to let my guard down. Terrified that I will miss something and make a mistake and that will cause someone their life. There already has been so much loss. I don't want anyone else to get hurt. I'm still not sure how I'm going to tell Lilly that her family's death wasn't an accident. That it was a part of a plan all along. I'm nervous about how she will react. That's why I'm not certain if I'm going to tell her the truth. Sometimes the truth is best not to be told.☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐