It Happened Last Year

I stare out the window, watching as the streetlights pass and erase my face in the glass. The image of Harrison standing there is stuck in my mind, I don’t know what to think of it, but now that I’m with Daniel I feel better. It’s a bit awkward to be so close after our last encounter, but I feel safe.

My head rolls to him, my eyes watching his hands as he turns the wheel, turning onto my street. “Is anyone home?” He asks, and I have a flashback to a time before.

“No. My mom is at John’s house.”

“Who’s John?”

I look at the house. “He’s her boyfriend, I guess. He’s the guy that snuck into the house with her.”

Daniel parks at the curb like he always does and gets out with me as I expected. We walk up to the house and I grab the spare key from the garden-my actual key now with Jana. Once inside I tell him that I’m going to change, and I head upstairs to my bedroom, thinking about him as I pull off my clothes and slip on my pajamas.

When I come back down, I find Daniel in the living room, and I sit with him on the couch, facing him. “You don’t have to stay, I’m pretty sure she’s not coming back until tomorrow.”

“Why were you and Jana at his party, Hailey?” He asks, just as he’s been wanting to.

I sigh. “You’re going to be disappointed if I tell you. You’ll probably think I’m the biggest idiot in the world.” He gives me a look, one of his many looks, and my eyes glance off. “I lost the video.”

There’s a moment of silence before he asks, “How?”

“I, uh, put it in my locker to take to the station one day after school. I saw you with Daphne, by the track. You guys were talking, and I went back to get it, but it was gone. I thought Harrison took it, so Jana and I went to his house to look for it, which was stupid because he probably destroyed it.”

Daniel runs his hand through his hair, likely trying to understand how someone could make such a mistake. “Why did you bring it to school? You should have left it here.”

My eyes find his again. “I was tired of watching it.”

The house is completely silent, nothing to listen to but the sounds of our voices. I’ve been alone with Daniel countless times now, but something about this time feels too real. It’s not like the others that seemed to be in a fantasy world, I’ve lost the video, and I’m going to lose him.

“Why are you shutting me out?”

Not expecting him to ask such a question, I struggle to answer. “I-What I did…”

Daniel clenches his jaw. “It didn’t change my mind.”

“But-”

“I know what I want,” he says firmly, looking right into my eyes, giving me nowhere to hide. “A little slip up isn’t going to change my mind. Do you know what I want, Hailey?”

My fingers grip the edge of my shirt. “Daniel I-”

“Do you know what I want?”

“Me,” I give in. “You want me, Daniel.”

“That’s right,” he murmurs, leaning into me, his hand on the small of my back. He brings his lips to mine and the sensation is back, the one I missed, the one where my stomach is in knots and where a rush surges through me. He’s gentle, he’s always gentle with me. I place my hands on his shoulders, shifting closer then bringing my hand to his cheek, but part of me knows. Part of me knows that this is one of the last times I’ll feel his kiss.

I pull away due to the growing frown on my face. He sees it, but I can’t take the weighing sadness off of my shoulders. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, not wanting him to blame himself. “I’m sorry, I just-” The choking feeling comes quick as if all of my words are getting caught in my throat.

“I know,” he says softly, reaching to brush the hair from my face, but I move back. My hair is all I have to hide my watering eyes. “You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. I care about you, okay? You know I care. You know I’m not leaving.”

How am I supposed to tell him? How am I supposed to go now? He rescues me from Harrison, wants to stay here to make sure I’m safe, he kisses me and reassures me that his feelings haven’t changed after all that’s happened, and that’s only in one night. I couldn’t list all of the other things he’s done for me over these past few months. Daniel has healed me in many ways. He’s showed that my life isn’t over. How can I leave now? It was so much easier when I thought he didn’t care.

“I’m sorry,” I say again, not knowing what else to say. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. The last thing I want to do is hurt the person I’m falling in love with.

Daniels face shifts to something a bit angry looking, something confused and cautious. “What did you do, Hailey?”

What could I have done in his mind? I know what he’s thinking. I’ve moved on, there’s someone else, but I think it’s worse than that. How do I tell him that he won’t see me anymore? That I’m going to disappear?

“Hailey. What is it?”

“My Dad called that night after you took me home,” I look into his eyes, feeling my heart cave in. “He told me that he’s moving back to Florida… and I told him that it would be best for me to go back too.”

Daniel sits still for a minute before turning away from me. I want to reach out to him, to hold him, but I’m not sure if he hates me now or not. I watch as he brings his head down to his hands, taking a deep breath before abruptly getting up from the couch. My eyes follow him until I realize he’s leaving. Swiftly, I get up and run to him, placing myself in front of him like a wall. “Daniel wait. Don’t go,” I say, knowing that if he leaves he may never talk to me again.

He looks down at me as if he wants to say something, but nothing comes out, and he moves forward again, my back now touching the front door.

“Daniel, I can explain. Please don’t leave. Please don’t hate me.”

Daniel reaches for the handle, but I grab it first. “Move, Hailey,” he says, calmly, though I know he isn’t calm.Upstodatee from Novel(D)ra/m/a.O(r)g

“No, you’re not leaving,” I protest, my voice shaky.

“I’m not the one leaving. You’re leaving.”

He moves me out of the way, keeping his cool. Before I can grab him and bring him back, he shuts the door in my face and I stand still, hearing him drive off. The tears come quick, and they don’t stop. I run my hands through my hair, fighting the need to pull. Without another thought, I run up to my bedroom and bury myself under the blankets, wanting to disappear.

How can I leave now? Do I even want to leave? Part of me thinks I should and the other part believes I’m repeating the past just because it’s all I know. Is it the right thing for me? Just because it was the first time, is it this time?