It Happened Last Year

Daniel gave my keys to Jana so she could take my car home with her and pick me up in the morning for school. Somehow, he convinced me to talk, finding time to do so as he drives me home. Maybe it was his promise of leaving me alone that made me agree, that is if I simply talk. About what? I am not sure. I am sure he doesn’t want the details of what happened, though. Who does? No one. I couldn’t even tell the story out loud without freezing up. Such details stay in the past, where they belong.

With my head resting against the door, we remain in silence beside my quiet directions on which way to go. “Turn left at the next light,” I murmur.

When we pull up to my house, we continue to stay in place, waiting for something. My mother’s car isn’t there, I wonder where she is. It’s only seven thirty, though. She must be staying late at the station again without telling me.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Daniel says smoothly, his voice deep but hushed.All content © N/.ôvel/Dr/ama.Org.

“I wasn’t going to.”

“I wanted to talk about your perception of me,” he says, catching my attention. I look at him, something I have avoided doing the entire ride. “I haven’t changed my mind about you, especially not over this. If you think this makes you undesirable then-”

With a red face, I cut in, “Please, I don’t want to talk about this. I just want to go.”

Daniel glances away, “I don’t want you to ignore me, to shut me out because of something that’s not true.”

It’s quiet outside, everyone cleaning up after dinner or watching the news before bed, normal Monday things. Except me, of course I can’t be doing the normal things. It’s not in my blood, it’s not in my cards. Maybe I am just one of those people with a messy life, everything tossed everywhere and I somehow make my way through it.

“I don’t get it,” I say, “every girl in Coldgrove is dying for a second of your attention. Why are you worried about talking to me? You could be with one of those other girls, someone who can actually be with you.”

His eyes find mine. “If I wanted that, I would be with someone else right now.

The streetlight glows above us, causing a shadow in the car, and we sit in the darkness. I could ask him a million times why he’s choosing to stay and still not understand. “You’re going to be disappointed.”

“Fine. Then I’ll be disappointed,” he says.

I sigh and step out of the car, but just before I close the door, Daniel stops me. “Is there anyone home?”

I peer to the house, windows black. “No. My mom’s at work.”

Daniel unbuckles his seatbelt and pulls his keys from his car, the headlights turning off. I watch as he gets out and walks around to meet me. “I’ll wait with you until she gets back.”

“What? Is someone going to rob me at seven thirty?”

He ignores me and walks to the door, forcing me to give in. I can’t lie to myself, the idea of Daniel at my house is exciting, but I won’t let myself get attached to the idea of it. The more attached to him I get, the more it’s going to hurt in the end.

Daniel is very good at it-making me feel connected with him, attached.

I unlock the door and flick the light switch. The foyer brightens up, and I kick off my shoes. “I’ll be right back. The living room is to the right, kitchen to the left, and the bathroom is beside the stairs,” I tell him before making my way to my room, needing to get out of this dress.

I walk into my bedroom, closing the door and going into the bathroom, the moonlight from outside lighting my path. The bathroom light dimly bleeds into my room, and I walk in and out as I undress, wash my face, put on lounge clothes, tie up my hair. Just as I finish dropping Jana’s dress into my hamper, I hear my bedroom door opening.

I turn and see Daniel wandering in. I swallow. “Yes?”

“I was curious,” he says without a smile, but a look of genuine interest. His eyes scan the room, moving from one intricate thing to the next. Everything is white, mostly, and his eyes seem to study every purple flower on my bedding.

I stand nervously in the doorway of the bathroom, feeling as if he is some sort of inspector. “About my bedroom?”

Daniel makes my heart beat harder as he draws closer to me, his eyes still engrossed by the clutter around my room. He looks handsome in this light, well, he looks so in every light, but especially this one. Is this the finale? He walks throughout my bedroom, and we sat our last goodbyes? I know what he said in the car, but I can’t believe him. He doesn’t know what he’s getting into.

On the edge of my seat, I can’t help by ask, “What do you want from me?”

“Nothing.” He glances over, “Nothing but your time.” He sees on my face that I am not buying it, that I am clearly upset. “Why is it so hard for you to accept that I am attracted to you?”

If I was normal, sure, this would be one of the best days of my young life. A gorgeous and mysterious guy like Daniel saying that he’s attracted to me-that’s indescribable-it would feel like pure luck. But I can’t think that way, my mind won’t let me.

My lips stay shut as he finishes his lap around the room and ends up in front of me. He looks down at me, at my face, in my eyes as if he’s trying to tear down the wall I have worked so hard to put up. One by one he knocks out the bricks, exposing me, and I cannot stop him. It hurts, to be exposed like this, for him to know my deepest, darkest secrets. He’s going to break my heart, I know it. He’s going to tear down the wall and leave me with nothing to shelter myself from the world.

“I don’t want to be hurt when you change your mind,” I mumble, “so please, please don’t do this.”

Against my wishes, Daniel leans down to me and kisses me like before, but this time I can’t help it. I give in, I kiss him back. He’s going to hurt me, but I do it anyways, like a clueless puppy running out into the road. My back gently touches the wall, supporting me as my mind is so clearly elsewhere.

His arms snake around me, closing in, squeezing until I can no longer breathe, and I pull away. A short breath escapes him as I look down, avoiding eye contact because I know we will end up kissing again if he looks into me. That’s was a different kind of kiss, though, different from the first. This one wasn’t at the track, in public, this one was in my bedroom, without anyone home, without the light on.

“Do you believe me now?” He asks quietly.