In Love With My Boyfriend’s Brother

My breathing fails for a few seconds. I swear. I turn to him, look into his eyes, look for my last drop of resistance, and say: ”Yan, you promised…” He holds my waist now, pushes his body slowly against mine, and says, coming closer to my mouth: ”Yeah, I’m not good with promises.” We are kissing again. And again I can’t pull him away from me, because I want to kiss him. I feel his hand on my back as he unzips my skirt and I don’t care, as long as he doesn’t stop kissing me. The night is drawing in, but we don’t bother to turn on the lights. We are walking through the house as we bump into furniture and my skirt has just fallen to my feet. He grabs my buttocks, making me even more glued to his body. And feeling how needy he is for me, makes me pull away from him for a second biting my lips and he says: ”My God that is so sexy… Your mouth is so sexy… You are so sexy.” He brings his lips back to mine as he smiles. My stomach twitches. I know it’s weird, but something good to feel. I don’t want to think now. Just feel. I want to allow myself to feel it because it feels so good. We arrive at my couch. We sit down without separating our mouths. I turn to him, one knee resting on the sofa. He gets rid of his shirt, I like this, I love this. He comes back to my mouth. I feel him undo the buttons of my white shirt, if I didn’t know him better, I’d say he was nervous, his fingers look shaky, I like that too. When he finishes with the buttons, he steps back for a moment and looks at me. His hand is on my waist now, he runs his fingers there for a moment and slowly moves up. I close my eyes for a second. His eyes follow his hand as it slowly moves up my body.

He slips his hand under the fabric of my bra and his eyes meet mine. He swallows hard and says: ”You are so perfect.” We kiss again, and before I know it, we are lying on my couch. He is on top of me, between my legs kissing me and rubbing himself painfully slow against my body. I guess I’m not thinking straight because I’m enjoying this and my hand has just found the zipper of his jeans. After a few seconds and my struggle to get rid of his boxer shorts and not move away from his mouth he stands up and says: ”I need to get rid of this.” He stands up and gets rid of his pants as quickly as possible. He then gets back up on his knee and looks at me. I don’t look so confident about it anymore when his mouth is no longer on mine. He notices this. He looks sad. I hate to see him like this. I speak after a long time without saying a word since this has begun: ”I must, not think.” He looks at me for a while, then holds my foot starts kissing my leg, and slowly works his way up. I close my eyes, okay I guess it’s working because I want him to go up and kiss my whole body. He takes a moment when he reaches my waist. He stops for a moment, looks at me, and says: ”I can do something that will make you not think.” He smiles in that naughty way. Okay. My heartbeat has increased considerably now. Just gasping when I hear him say this sounds like a free pass to him because my panties are being pulled off my body and I can only close my eyes. But when his mouth comes back on my body and he takes a few seconds at my belly button and slowly moves down, I find that I am very anxious for him to get lower and lower. And he does. And how he does. He does it a lot. I can’t think very well and that’s what I wanted. But I can still reason that no one has ever come close to doing what he is doing. I think I’m already moaning louder than I ever have before and that just makes him work even harder with his tongue. I think I’m lost. Lost. He then stops and looks at me with a satisfied smile coming towards me saying: ”Can you moan like that while I kiss you?” I don’t answer, because I’m still panting. He then slowly pulls away and reaches into his pants pocket on the floor. He faces me and I realize that he is putting on the condom, but my attention is soon diverted to the taste of his kiss again. He bites my lip and just as I tell him it’s starting to hurt, he enters me all at once, slowly and deeply. I forget what I was going to say as I end up moaning louder than I planned and he smiles and kisses me and he continues to move in this intense, slow way and it gradually breaks me up. A tear comes down my eye. I don’t let him see it, but each time he moves like this, I realize that maybe I like him more than I thought I would. As my nails sink into his back, he increases his movements, and this is even better. He kisses my neck for a while and I already miss his mouth on mine. He then looks at me and says slowly: ”Dammit! Why aren’t you mine?” I can’t process what he says, because I am having one of the best orgasms I have ever had in my life. He stays for a few seconds still kissing me on the neck, so I can’t look into his eyes. He has practically just confessed that he wanted me to be his. I am not his. Damn it. This hits me hard. He stands up slowly. He knows what he just said. I know what he just said. Here we are, again, again. Finally, we realize what has happened, but unfortunately when we can’t go back. He sits down, he doesn’t look at me. I sit down, I don’t look at him. I start to cry softly. He looks at me for a few seconds.

He takes a deep breath. He doesn’t say anything, just gets up and goes quietly to get dressed. I don’t say anything, I have nothing to say now. I’m so confused. I know he thinks he’s screwed up again. I want to say that it wasn’t all his fault, but I choose not to say anything. There’s a lot more to this than just the two of us. There is silence. Only my low cry is heard in my apartment. He looks at me again, there are still tears welling up in my eyes. He is sad. He puts on his shirt and slowly walks out the front door. It’s almost half an hour since he left. I know I promised myself that I wouldn’t do it again, but I did. The strange thing is that somehow, today I’m not sorry. On the contrary, I can’t stop thinking about everything that has happened since the time he kissed me by the door. I think it was more because of this that I started to cry because I found out that I feel something for Yan. I hug my knees tightly and stay like this for a while, just thinking. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? After questioning myself for a while, I get up gather my clothes from around the room, and head for the bathroom. The water is running down my body and I am remembering all the parts of my body that he touched. I miss him. I have always missed him and only now do I realize it. And I feel horrible that I let him go like that. But I also can’t forget that I’m not his. I finish my shower, put on my robe, stare at my bed for a while. I don’t feel like putting on any clothes, I don’t feel like eating. I sit on the bed and stay like this for a while. I’m in the middle of some serious shit and the worst part is that I knew it was going to come to this exact point and I couldn’t do anything to change it. I do myself for a while and as I stare at the ceiling I think: “Yan?” “Matt?” Do I love them both? Could I choose? Could I do this? My cell phone vibrates with a message from Matt saying that he won’t be able to come to my apartment today. I breathe a sigh of relief. It will be better so I can think about all this.Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.