I Am The Luna

Chapter 17

The journey home is a blur, and I can’t focus on anything but what happened. The scene replays in my mind like a reel glitching, stuck on the same scene… again and again.

My head feels clouded, and nothing makes sense. It’s almost as if I’m listening to everything through a thick glass.

I’ve run my fingers through my hair a thousand times and even now, as Jai tells me to turn around and bring her home, I can’t hear him properly.

Annalise is silent, her arm now bandaged up and Valerie is sitting there, tight-lipped.

The tension in the car after I snapped at Jai to stop talking about her has been fucking intense.

More than them, I want her back… seeing that fire in her eyes reminded me of the woman who always caught my eye… the fiery queen that I let go…

The passing cars are a blur, and the sound of my heart thudding is loud in my ears.

“Stop it, Jai,” Valerie says coldly. “He doesn’t want her!”

“I know, I’m just-”

“Drop it,” she growls warningly.

I look out of the window, replaying those final moments again and again.

‘I Zaia Toussaint reject you…’

I close my eyes, trying to steady my breathing. The agony within my chest is almost suffocating…

I truly have lost her.

What am I without her?

A heartless Alpha, a foolish man… a madman…

Where did I go wrong?

The darkness of my thoughts suck me in until it's just me and those thoughts…

“We’re home.”

My eyes snap open, and it takes me a second to process Jai’s words.

I glance around. I’m still in the car, it’s still dark outside… I must have fallen asleep without realising.

It’s something that I seem to be doing a lot lately, whether it is getting drunk and crashing or just being so consumed by my thoughts that I fall asleep… but then again, that would happen when I spend the nights tossing and turning as I wonder and think of the woman I stupidly pushed away.

I know I’m a mess, but tonight… tonight I feel like I lost her all over again.

I glance in the back to see both Annalise and Valerie have gone.

“Where are…” I massage my temples.

“I dropped them home first,” Jai says, sighing. “What the hell is going on Seb? What do you want? I mean, you rejected her and then you found her, ran after her and then you left so suddenly, not

wanting to spend a minute more there. I’m not Zaia, but even I’m getting fucking whiplash.”

Me too… me fucking too…

“He ordered us to leave his pack immediately and so we did,” I reply curtly. “Even with the men we took, we were on his territory, and I couldn’t afford to risk everything, we were outnumbered,” I mutter, staring at the mansion.

But the truth is I needed to be out of there before I broke down before so many.

My eyes find their way to the bedroom that I have been unable to step into ever since she left. On

nights I would come back this late, the light would be on. She’d always be there, waiting.

Even on those nights that I would not return until the morning hours, I’d find her with a book or sitting in bed or on top of the sheets having dozed off - waiting.

She never got into bed unless I was there. The house itself has become a cold, unwelcoming place.

I did this.

The agony of my wolf slips through and I push it away. The fact I’m feeling his emotions means I’m hurting him, too.

Dad still refuses to acknowledge me and is causing problems in all my business ventures, wanting me to fail. Punishing me for what I have done. Then there’s Mom… who won’t even talk to me.

I wish someone could just figure it out. There’s Jai who’s trying to get it out of me, but how do I tell him?

Soon he’ll stop pushing too.

“Seb. Is Zaia - is she safe there? I mean, are you really going to leave her there?” he asks quietly.

“We’re no longer mates. There’s nothing I can do for her, nor do I care where she goes.” I reply coldly. My voice is a lie to how I truly feel inside.

“Even though her twins might be yours, really Seb, who are you kidding?” Jai scoffs, resting his wrist on top of the steering wheel.

“They aren’t,” I reply icily, glaring out at the mansion.

Wait, twins?

For a moment, it feels like the fog clouding my mind lifts and I stare out of the window.

Of course, they are twins… I knew that from the report… then how come I hadn’t even remembered it when I was confronting her… how did I buy that she had an affair? How did I even believe that?

My head’s hurting and I am unable to focus on what Jai’s rambling on about or what the fuck I have said.

“Shut up,” I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Seb? Man, can you fucking focus?” Jai growls in frustration. “You’re acting like you’re on fucking

crack!”

I look up at him, taken aback.

“What, I am fucking focusing,” I growl irritably.

He sighs. “No man, you’re a mess.”

I turn away,

Obviously… I fucked it all up.

“What do you want me to do? Celebrate my fucking losses? I saw my mate walk away with another man after I accused her of cheating on me when… I knew she wouldn’t… but I still fucking said it.” I

slam my fist into his dashboard, and he looks at me with concern.

“Yeah, even I don’t get that… can you fucking explain why you’d do that? You practically pushed her into the arms of another man… one who we both know is dangerous.” Jai sighs.

“You know… although you won’t admit it… I know you wanted to find her… that’s why you went, right? To see if she’s there? I mean, I don’t think you’re over her. All night, your eyes were on her,

not on Annalise.”

I close my eyes, resting my head against the headrest.

“I know Jai… and I don’t have an answer… I just… I felt it was the right thing to fucking do. At times I feel like I fucking did the right thing, at other times I know I fucking messed it up so badly. I drove her away where I was meant to be protecting her from whatever is out there… I didn’t. I put her at even more risk, and I don’t even know why.” I say.

He doesn’t reply and I open my eyes to look at him and he’s watching me intently.

“What, want to laugh at the fact that I’m a fucking fool?” I scoff. “Well go ahead because I totally deserve it.”

“No… I just… it’s not like you, Sebastian. I was wondering if you’ve somehow been consuming Ashbane?”

Ashbane?

I frown, Ashbane is a herb that is similar to Wolfsbane but only affects the mind and clouds clarity.

But that wouldn’t work unless there’s doubt in my mind and who would even give me that?

My head begins to feel heavy again, and I feel irritated. “Who would be able to get me to take Ashbane Jai? There’s no one who…”

I trail off, the same person who was able to get close enough to threaten Zaia and take those pictures…

There’s a who, a nameless person, but the why and how is still a mystery.

“I think we should ask Valerie to do a blood test, like right now,” Jai says. “Think of it Seb, you yourself seem confused. We learned of this as kids. The damn bane of the Bane herb family, their

purposes and the side effects,” he chuckles at his own dead joke and I cock a brow.

“Fine… right now, I don’t know what to rule out. You know, I asked her Jai, if the child was mine… but I knew she was expecting twins. It’s not something I can just forget, but that had escaped my mind entirely.”

It really isn’t easy to forget, because those moments of her telling me she had something to tell me that night… the excitement in her eyes… it all pointed to the pregnancy… including the visits to the doctor… that report. All of these things replay in my mind, resulting in countless sleepless nights, so how did I just forget it. Why was my mind blank when I was in front of her?

“Well then, all the more reason to see what Valerie has to say,” Jai says, as he turns the car around

and drives towards the gates of the mansion. I see a shadow in one of the upstairs windows, but I can’t make out if it’s a male or female.

Mom wouldn’t wait for me, not when she’s so pissed at me, plus it’s in the middle of the night already.

Dad, it must be him, silently watching and judging me.

He had no opinion about going to the party when I told him. He only likes to criticise after I’ve done something he doesn’t like, but before I make the mistake? He doesn’t care.

The journey to Valerie’s apartment doesn’t take long. It’s pretty dead around this time of night.

“I hope she isn’t asleep,” I remark when Jai parks up.

“Na, I don’t think she will be. I only dropped her off twenty minutes or so ago.” He gets out of the car, and I follow as we glance up at her apartment. The lights are off.

“Maybe we should come back tomorrow,” I remark as he locks the car doors, the sound is loud and the lights flash brightly in the silence.

“No, I need to know if you have the damn thing in your body,” he isn’t having it and so we head

inside, and up the stairs to the fourth floor.

“The light is off Jai,” I say although I have no energy to argue with him.

I don’t even know after such a long evening how he still has the energy to be so damn stubborn.

I feel defeated… tonight I lost Zaia completely…

Our footsteps echo on the tiled steps, finally reaching her room.

Jai rings the bell and shoves his hands into his pocket.

“She’s going to be pissed,” he remarks.

I frown, “Then we should have waited…” I suddenly look up sharply.

What if I ask her or beg her to tell me about the babies? She is Zaia’s best friend and obviously

knew she was at that pack. She would know, I could command her and get her to answer…

I just need answers to end this madness.

I massage my temples to clear my mind that’s beginning to feel overcrowded, and now even I’m impatient to see Valerie. She has answers I need.

“Damn woman, open up.” Jai mutters, now knocking on the door.

“Maybe she’s in the shower,” I say, trying to listen.

“Hmm maybe.” Jai frowns. “Or she’s gone to sleep.”

He crouches down, putting his eye to the peephole. I’m not sure what he thinks he’ll be able to see.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

“You know those are used to look out, not in?” I remark to the idiot.

Suddenly he jumps back, hitting his arm on the wall behind us, making me flinch.

That must have hurt.

“Stupid woman!”

“What?” I growl, thinking he’s making so much damn noise!

“She was peeking back! Why the fuck is she not answering?” he growls.

I roll my eyes. Seriously, he’s such a damn drama queen.

I step forward. “Valerie, open the door. It’s Sebastian and the idiot,” I call out.

She won’t deny me.

Silence follows from inside, and I frown as Jai continues to grumble, rubbing his elbow where he had banged it when he sprang back like a fucking idiot.

“Val?” I call. I glance at the door, suddenly feeling uneasy.

Why isn’t she answering?

“Valerie! Open the door!” I say, now more urgently, knocking harder.

No reply.

I’m about to speak when I hear a faint creak of someone walking inside.

Something’s wrong.

“Move,” I say to Jai before I back away as much as I can.

Counting to three, I run at the door, slamming my shoulder into it with full force, ripping the door right off its hinges. It falls to the ground with a resounding thud, and I stare at the window right across. The very same window that we could see from downstairs, only now it’s standing wide open, the curtains blowing gently in the wind.

“The fuck Seb, a little aggressive don’t you think?”

“Valerie!” I shout as I rush into the room and scan it.

Where is she?

“Sebastian!” Jai snaps.

“I heard footsteps, Jai. Something’s not right,” I mutter as we both scan the open living area.

His face has paled, and I can hear his heart pounding as he rushes to the kitchen area.

I’m trying not to let that unease grow as I push open her bedroom door, not bothering to knock and

stop dead in my tracks. The stench of blood hits my nose as Jai slams into me from behind at my abrupt stop.

My heart thuds violently as I stare at the scene before me.

It’s right out of a horror movie.

Blood covers the floor and the bedsheets. A sign of a scuffle is obvious from the mess and the way the bedding is dragged off and covered in blood and right in the middle of the room is none other than Valerie.

She’s face down on the floor, lying in a huge pool of blood. The back of her blond hair is a bloody

bludgeoned mess and beside her, a hammer is on the floor, covered in blood…