Her FaceBook Friend

Chapter 28

“A day will come when you will realize that not killing yourself is the best feeling in the world because you will realize there is much more in life than the sadness that surrounded you the time you tried to suicide.”[Ifveen]

…

“Sorry?”

“I was angry” huh. My eyes sharpened reading the text, why was he angry? Just because I declined to send him a picture. Who does he think he is! How can he hurt me and then go back to like it was nothing? As if.

‘But he saved you today Jacqueline! Otherwise, you might be dead, instead of seeing yourself here.’

‘You could end this in a second Jacqueline. This weird friendship if you want to.’

‘But would you like that? To end your first friendship this miserably? It wasn’t like you didn’t say anything to him. You did. You have trust issues, Jacqueline. You have insecurities, so you can’t force your explanation on him.

What if he just wanted to see you?

What if he didn’t have any bad intention towards you?

What if he was hurt by your words?’

‘You can’t run from people all your life Jacqueline. Your coping mechanism will fail you one day Jacqueline.’

My mind reminded me, a part telling me that I was right. While another part telling me that I was wrong. Without even realizing I found it hard to breathe when my gaze landed on the white gauze wrapped around my wrist.

‘That’s right. He did save me. So I shouldn’t ignore him. It’s all me. He just wanted a picture that I denied because of my insecurities. He must have felt bad about it.’

I a**umed his emotions by heart even though he didn’t say a word.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the FB again. Texting him back.

“It’s Okay. I was a little bit rude earlier today. I am sorry too.”

Almost immediately another text arises and I found myself staring at it.

“It’s Okay. I will wait for the day till you start trusting me so much that you will share your picture with me willingly.”

My sealed lips tugged upward ever so slightly in the gloominess of night. Yet My mind jumbled all the thoughts together making me struggle to find a perfect reply.

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“It will never happen!”

“We will see.”

After a minute or two, I replied.

“Hm.”

“What happened? Is everything alright with you Jacky?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I don’t know, I feel like I am not talking to you.”

“Why?”

“What’s wrong Jacqueline? Would you like to share it with me?”

“Nothing is wrong.”

“Okay if you say so.”

“So Have you had your dinner?” The feeling of an empty stomach and empty soul surrounded me and I reminisced the part where I was getting slapped again and again. Where I have faked the tasteless bravery.

Another ping brought my attention back to the cell phone.

“Jacqueline?”

“Yes.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I meant yes I had dinner.”

“Your words feel like you are sad today. Did something terrible happen? Tell me, Jacqueline?”

Staring at the white screen filled with blue marks made my eyes sting as the tears fell on the phone.

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Drop by drop.

Both hands found it difficult to even write. Making me feel as if the alphabets are laughing at my misery, Just like how my schoolmates do.

“Nothing Happened. Good night.”

I didn’t remember when I had sat on the bed when I was in the middle responding to him.

‘Was it his effect? Or the sadness that seems to swallow me.’

Hesitatingly I lifted the covers and laid down. But the tears didn’t stop, as if my eyes had decided to water as much as a river. My distracted mind had returned to the same scene where dad was hitting me like I didn’t matter to him. Like I was nothing in his heart.

The tears fell on the pillow covers, wetting them in certain patterns while all the beatings that I had been through in my life played in my mind like an action-packed movie where I was the punching bag of everyone. Whether it was Mom or Dad. Or Grandad or Grandma.

“Oh, God! Please change daddy into a nice husband. A nice father. Please, God. Please. Please. Please. Please cure Mumma’s illnesses.” My knees pressed against my stomach as I found myself crying without making a noise in the fetal position.

“Oh, God! What wrong did I committed that you are punishing me in this way! If you can not change these conditions. Then call me to heaven. Oh God, Please give me death. Please.”

I chanted those words in my heart again and again till I fell asleep.

The next day when I woke up, it felt like a part of me had died yesterday.

My eyes were red filled with dark circles, my face seemed too red leaving traces that I must have cried. The white flowery pillow was soaked from one side. Maybe it was the combination of tears, snot, saliva.

Not wasting a minute, I changed my clothes into the uniform and left for school. I was early today, I knew I was. But I didn’t have the energy to answer Nikki’s stupid questions. If she saw me with the gauze, she will make me tell her everything. I didn’t want that.

Greeting driver uncle I sat down on my regular seat. While he turned his neck towards me as he said locking his gaze on mine.

“What’s the wrong Beta? Are you fine?”

I faked a smile.

An enthusiastic one.

“Yes Uncle, I accidentally got some soap in my eyes when I was in the bathroom, so that’s why I look like this.”

Nodding he said seriously, his black eyes softening

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“Remember to take care of your eyes next time beta.”

“Yes, I will uncle.”

A noise of ping caught my attention and I found myself unable to stop about Remo. It must be him.

Hastily I pulled out my mobile phone, to look at what he was texting me then I found Rohan’s text.

“Wait for me in the hallway sweet cheeks, I have something to tell you.”

My eyes sharpened in frustration. We are not even friends, how can he just say to meet him in the hallway. Yet the next second I remembered his words and my whole form shuddered in fear.

I forgot about him yesterday. He said he will be the only one to bully me.

Oh God! what should I do?

To distract my mind I opened my messenger finding 10 of Remo’s text messages.

“Okay. Nothing happened. I am not going to force you to tell me, sweets.”

“Why did you say Good night. I want to talk to you, Jackie. Talk to me.”

“Listen if you are angry because of my words. I am sorry again.”

“Jackie I wasn’t prying into your life. I just wanted to know what’s bothering you. Because that’s what friends do. Aren’t we friends?”

“You left. This is wrong Jacky. Aren’t we supposed to share each other’s pain?”

“Aren’t you going to ask me, if I feel sad tomorrow?”

“Will you just let it be?”

“No. Na baba. I know. So please try to understand.”

“I hope whatever’s bothering you will diminish.”