HER EVERY FANTASY

A frown creased her brow. She moaned and turned on her side away from him, drawing her legs up to scrunch herself into a protective ball.

She hadn’t opened her eyes, wasn’t aware of his presence, and Collins suddenly felt like a voyeur to deeply private grief. Yet it might also be physical pain.

‘Jasmine’ he called urgently. ‘Should I get a nurse or doctor?’

Her head whipped around on the pillow. Startled eyes. Puzzlement.

‘You’re still here?’ she asked, surprised.

‘Are you okay?’ he replied instead.

She sighed and carefully shifted her body to face him. ‘I’ll cope with it. Collins, You don’t have to stay and nursemaid me.’

‘I brought you to L. A., Jasmine.’

‘I made the choice. I don’t hold you or blame you for anything. And you’ve been more than generous, fixing all this for me. I’m sorry…’

‘Don’t apologise. I’m the one who should be apologising.’

She looked bewildered. ‘What for?’

‘Because I…’ He gestured an appeal for some stay of judgment as he struggled for words to explain his feelings.

‘Because I did this to you,’ he finally got out.

‘No, Collins. I did this to myself,’ she said with firm clarity, then grimaced.Property of Nô)(velDr(a)ma.Org.

‘Though not the miscarriage.’

Her face started to crumple and she fought for composure. Collins stood up and paced around the room, wanting to lake her in his arms and comfort her, yet sensing such a move would be unwelcome. Possibly hurtful. He wanted to reach out to her but he didn’t know how to.

Never in his whole life had he felt so… inadequate, mentally floundering, and deeply frustrated by his inability to resolve what should be done with Jasmine.

‘I want to go home, Collins.’ she said.

The flat statement pulled him up at the end of her bed. He stared at her–this woman who tugged so strongly on him. He didn’t see her beauty, her desirability. He saw the distance yawning between them, the determination in her eyes to break away from him.

‘I’m to stay here overnight,’ she ran on matter-of-factly.

‘But after the doctor sees me in the morning… if there’s no problem… I’ll contact Qantas and…’

‘No. It’s too soon. You should give yourself more time to recover. I’d take you back to the hotel and look after you, Jasmine . At least stay the full week,’ he argued forcefully.

Her head rolled in a pained negative. ‘You only wanted me with you for the sex, Collins.’ Her eyes mocked anything else he might say. ‘I can’t deliver.’ she said flatly. ‘And my staying would only make us both miserable, continually reminding us..-‘

She swallowed hard and closed her eyes.

‘I don’t want to let you go like this,’ he burst out.

‘Please…’ Her throat moved convulsively, ‘… it would be… a kindness.’

Kindness… Collins was completely torn by that word. It forced him to examine his behaviour towards her-Everything on his terms. Certainly he’d given her choices but there’d been no consideration for her feelings behind them. No kindness.

You were gone without a word to me.

He couldn’t justify that. It was an indictment of how totally selfish he had been. All he’d ever thought about was what he wanted.

It was her right to have the last word now.

‘Leave it to me,’ he said with grim decisiveness. ‘I’ll call  and line up a return flight for you. Ensure you’ll get a seat.’

She visibly sagged with relief. ‘Thank you.’ Her gaze dropped from his.

Her fingers plucked at the bedcover. ‘I’m sorry about… I know the Academy Awards is a big night for you…’

‘Don’t worry about it. Right now I couldn’t care less.’ It was the truth.

‘I didn’t mean to…’ she began…

‘Jasmine, please…’ The anguish in his voice flicked her gaze back to his, a pained wondering in her eyes.

‘You’ve been so good about all this, Collins.’ she continued. ‘I promise I’ll pay you back. The hospital costs and. ‘

‘Stop!’ He glared at her, fury boiling up at being so pointedly counted out of what should have been shared. ‘It was my child, too. I would have paid anything to save it. At least grant me that right, Jasmine.’

‘I’m so sorry.’ T ears filmed her eyes. ‘I didn’t think… didn’t know…’

‘That I would care?’ he cut in savagely.

She nodded, biting her lips.

The anger that had so quickly surged, drowned just as quickly in the swimming vulnerability of her eyes. How could he rail at her judgment of him? He’d given her no reason to believe he would care. He sucked in a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself.

‘Responsibility for the medical expenses is all mine.’ he growled. ‘No argument. And I’ll get you on a flight home as soon as it’s feasible. Okay?’

‘Thank you.’ It was a husky little whisper. Her head was bent, lashes lowered, hiding her eyes.

There was no triumph for him in her submission to his will. She looked defeated. He felt defeated. It might be a kindness to let her go, but every muscle in his body ached to fight her decision. The whole room seemed to pulse with the tension of things unsaid on both sides. Which couldn’t be good for her after all she’d been through.

‘Well, now that’s settled, I’ll leave you to rest,’ he said bruskly. ‘Don’t worry about anything. I’ll let you know what I’ve organised when it’s done. Okay?’

‘Yes.’ She raised eyes that looked deathly weary. ‘I would have told you about our child in the end, Collins. Then it would have been your choice, whether you wanted to be a father or not. I would have told you eventually. It’s probably for the best… that you don’t have to make that choice now. No ties…. ‘

Her attempt at a smile wobbled. ‘That’s good for you, isn’t it?’ she asked. It was like a punch to the heart-all the more lethal because it was what he’d told himself countless times since he’d first met Jasmine.

Ties held you down. Ties prevented you from going after opportunities that closed too quickly if you weren’t on the spot, all primed to take them up. Yet faced with that argument from her, he wanted to disown it. Vehemently.

‘You can put all this behind you and move on,’ she pressed. ‘It’s easier than.–‘