Hatred With Benefits

S I X T Y - T H R E E

EMERSON. Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

"Eva!" I call, attempting to rush after her as I watch her walk through the door, but a sudden grip on my

wrist stops me and I turn around to see Paige; irritation flowing through me at the sight of her and the

shit she just pulled.

"Emerson—" she starts with a shaking voice, and I jerk her hold from my wrist, glaring at her as I

speak, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the fuck did you do that?"

"I–" she starts with a hiccup. "I'm sorry. I just– I didn't know what to do. I was there and you were here,

and I needed you. I needed you to–"

"You needed me and I was fucking here! I was here, Paige. I was doing all I could to be the comfort you

needed and you thought it was okay to cross the line?" I raise a brow, my breath coming out in heavy

pants and she shakes her head as she attempts to step closer, but one glare from me to her leg

movement stops it.

She swallows before she opens her mouth, "It wasn't enough, Emerson. It was never going to be

enough. I needed more. I needed my skin against yours for me to stop thinking about it. "

"You're insane. You're fucking crazy. " I tell her, turning away from her.

"She said to not follow. You shouldn't go after her. " Paige says behind me and I turn to her with an

angered mind, "You don't tell me what the fuck I am to do. "

"I'm not. " She's quick to say, taking several gulps. "I'm not. Just, please. I don't know what to do,

Emery. "

"Don't you dare fucking call me that. " I raise a warning finger at her, and she hiccups again, the sight

enraging every single time it happens.

I bury my fingers in my hair and turn away from her, the image of Eva standing by that door with

bewildered eyes crossing my mind.

"I should have never let you in. I shouldn't have fallen for your tears and my need to want to be there. I

trusted you, Paige. I fucking trusted you!"

"It's not my fault. " She dares to say and I look back at her, a scoff falling from my mouth. "Not your

fault?" I take a step closer. "Not your fault?! My woman was fucking here and she saw everything she

was afraid of and you dare to stand there, and tell me it's not your fault?"

She nods. "Yes, Emery. It's not my fucking fault! You don't get me addicted to something and expect

me to become non-addicted to it just because you say it! Don't you get it? I can't stop! I've tried but I

fucking can't. I'll always want you that way because you got me used to it. I fucking crave more no

matter how much you tell me to hold back. Shit went down there and the first person I thought to see

was you! Because you've always been here! You've always been this close and you can't just do this to

me now. She can't just come out of nowhere and steal you from me!"

I lose it at that. Amidst the chaos of my mind, Eva running away from here and Paige standing in front

of me with the audacity to sprout nonsense; I lose it. And I don't hold back because I no longer have

the control to do that. I step closer and grab her by the collar of her top, and her eyes widen as my grip

tightens.

"Emerson–" she calls out, with eyes full of fear and voice following right through, but even the sound

and sight of that isn't enough to calm me. All that goes through my mind is Eva, all that chants through

my thoughts is how right she had been about Paige and how stupid I had been to have let it come this

far. I was so fucking stupid to have thought I could hold onto her, and balance the relationship between

me and a girl who wants more than I can give.

"Emerson, what are you doing?" Paige utters as my grip gets tighter, so close to strangling her with her

clothing, but I hold back. Making sure she's able to breathe through it, but also enough for her to

understand the message I'm passing across.

"You'll leave here, and you'll never show your face before me ever again. Do you understand?" I tell her

slowly and she shakes her head furiously, breathing getting heavier as she parts her lips, "No. No,

please. You can't do that to me. You can't tell me to leave. I need you, Emerson. "

"Do you remember what I said when I came to your place?" I ask her but she remains silent as she

continues to shake her head.

"I told you that I'd be here for you, but the minute you give me a reason to not be is the minute I'll never

be again, and you've successfully given me a reason to not be. "

"No, please. I can't survive without you, Emerson. You can't– you can't do that. You can't ask me to

leave. You can't walk out of my life like everyone else. You promised to always stay. You said you'll

always– you said you'll always be by my side. You can't just leave now after making me believe those

words. " Her trembling hands cover mine and she grips them tight.

"You should have thought of that before you do the shit you did! " I snap, dropping my hand from hers

and shoving her away from me. She staggers a few steps back, but she manages to catch her feet and

she's making her way towards me again.

She opens her mouth, but I beat her to it as I speak. "I told you she'll always come first. I fucking

warned you to keep the line that's drawn between what we had and what we have. Had now, because

I'm never having anything to do with you after tonight. "

"No!" She repeats the word that's come to be her anthem for tonight. "No, Emerson. Please. " She cries

and I watch as she falls to her knees before me, hands sliding around my thighs as she leans her head

against it with silent sobs coming from her. "You're the only one I have left. You know it. I'll be miserable

without you. You can't do this. Just please. "

When she raises her head to meet my eyes with wet cheeks and shivering lips; what I should see is a

girl that's made herself pathetic by being dependent on me, a girl that I should be there for, but all I see

is a woman who crossed a line that should never be crossed. A woman who's about to make me lose

the only being that matters in my life.

"She's my life, " I tell her as I glance down at her. "She's what I need to be able to breathe probably.

Without her, I will be nothing but a lifeless living. She's all I need, Paige and you're about to make me

lose that. I'm sorry, but I can't be here for you any longer. You've given me all I need to push away from

you, and you need to leave. "

"Emerson, " she calls in a small voice and I turn away from her. "Leave. "

"We can settle this. I'm sorry for kissing you. I'm sorry for making her see that. I'd apologize to her if I

need to, but please don't make me do this. Don't make me leave. I won't know where to begin. My life

would lose all focus without you by my–"

"Don't try to guilt trip me, Paige. You were living perfectly before I appeared in your life, and you'll learn

to do that once again. People lose their loved ones and learn to move on with their lives, and I come

nothing close as that person to you. "

"No, no you don't, " she agrees, wrapping her hands tighter around my knees. "Because you mean so

much more than that, and you know it, Emerson. Don't make me leave. I'm begging you. Just–" her

voice breaks and she hits her head against my knees repeatedly. "Don't. "

The heart that should ache for her at this moment is filled with Eva. The heart that should think about

what she went through today is no longer here. That heart only thinks about its owner, and not the

pitiful woman that kneels by my feet.

"I'll give you ten seconds to let go of my legs and leave. If you don't, I'll drag you out of here and I

assure you Paige; you'll get hurt in the process and I wouldn't give a fuck about that. " I warn her and I

mentally count to three seconds before she unwraps her hands from my knees. I don't look back and

the sound of her cries with her footsteps echoes across the room.

Several more seconds and she stands in front of me with her bag in hand.

"Emerson–" she starts but I cut her off. "Don't try to. "

"I'll be back. I know you're angry at me right now and you'll listen better when you've calmed. I know

you—"

"You don't know me and you don't know what I would do. All you know is a guy who wanted to be there

for you as a friend, but I promise you'll know the darker side of me if you don't leave through that door

and never step foot before me. " My voice is cold and my words are harsh even to my ears, but I'm

unwilling to give a fuck as Paige staggers back as if I had hit her, before she turns around and strides

towards the door with small, unsteady steps.

She stops when she meets the doorknob, and my patience wears thin the more seconds that pass

without her moving. I open my mouth, but before I can speak; she takes the final step and walk through

the door, her frame disappearing out of sight.

I fall back on the couch as I stare across the empty room before I grab my phone, and scroll to her

name, my fingers moving across the keypad faster than they've ever before.

DIVA: I know you're mad at me, but please tell me where you are. Come back home to me, and we'll

talk this out.

After hitting the send button, I grab my keys from the table and run out of the house, not giving a shit

about the fact that she warned me not to follow her. I'll deal with the consequences of not following her

warning later if need be, I just yearn to make sure she's fine.

I just need to have her back here.

EVA.

I keep walking, with no idea of which direction I'm heading, but wanting to continue either way.

"Sorry. " I mumble when I bump into a hard surface and I raise my head to see Dan staring at me with

furrowed brows.

"Eva. What's wrong?" He asks and I look around, recognizing my surrounding to realize I'm far away

from home. I look back to Dan, and my eyes shift to the guys that stand by either side of him– Noel

included.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there. " I say and shrug his hands from my shoulders before I take a step

back.

I hear him mutter some words to his friends, and they walk away; leaving me with him.

"Hey. You don't look so good. Did something happen?" He questions as he takes a step forward.

I lift my head to him and shake my head. "I'm fine. I'll be on my way. " I attempt to take a step to the

side, but Dan's grip on my arm stops me and I look back at him.

"I don't think you're fine, Eva. You should let me know if anything is wrong. I'm here. " His voice is

gentle and I drop my gaze to his hold on my arm before I meet his gaze, "Take it off. "

Dan looks confused for a second, but when he realizes, he's quick to remove his hand.

"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you're—"

"I'm fine, and I do not need your help. " I tell him, throwing him another glance before I walk away from

his sight, finally with a direction in mind.

I'm only a bit away from Aliya's dorm and I take the direction that will lead me there.

I turn my head sideways as I stand in front of Aliya's door before I place gentle knocks against it.

Her voice comes through almost instantly. "I thought you weren't coming back tonight. "

I don't say a word as I wait for her to open up and when she does, her eyes are full of worry as they

settle on mine. "Evie? What are you doing here? Did you forget something?"

"Let me in. "

Aliya doesn't say a word as she steps to the side and lets me walk through. When I'm inside, she shuts

the door behind me and moves to my side, her hand dropping to the small of my back.

"Are you okay?" She asks and my gaze drifts to the other bed in the room to find it empty.

"She isn't in tonight. " Aliya answers my unasked question before she turns my body to her view. Her

touch moves from my back to my cheeks as she speaks, "Talk to me, Eva. Did something happen?"

"Can I sleep with you tonight? I don't want to go back there. " I mumble and confusion masks her

expression. I can tell she wants to ask questions, but she keeps them to herself and nods instead. "Of

course, you can. You're always welcome to stay, babe. "

"Thank you. " I tell her and she smiles, stroking my cheek before she pulls me into her arms, and I lay

my head against her shoulder as I shut my eyes and try to block the unwelcomed images from my

mind.

"Come on. You can stay on Maria's bed, or will you be alright with mine?" Aliya asks as she leads me

towards the bed, and I look between the two. "Maria's is fine. If she doesn't have anything against it. "

"She doesn't. " She assures me, and I stare down at my clothes as I settle on the bed. With a bite of

my lips, I fall back on the soft mattress and let out a weak sigh as I raise my head to Aliya, who's

standing above me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks as she bends to my level with her hands by my side.

"Not yet. " I respond and she hums, lifting her hand to caress my hair before she pulls back and moves

to her bed.

~

I knew it won't be easy sleeping in an unfamiliar bed with my regular clothes and without a certain

person by my side, but I didn't think it would be this hard either. I've been turning and tossing in the

dark for several minutes, yet I can't seem to catch onto what I need to escape from what I don't want.

With a loud sigh, I sit up on the bed and throw my legs to the side as I make my way to Aliya. I turn on

the lights by her bedside before I gently settle by the edge and her eyes are closed, soft snores leaving

her barely parted lips.

"Aliya, " I call, shaking her body gently to wake her and she stirs then turns to the other side, holding

the duvet over her body.

"Open your eyes. " I shake her again, and a groan comes from her before she turns her body to my

view, revealing her blue orbs to meet mine.

"Eva?" Her voice is uncertain and she moves to rest against the headboard, rubbing her hands to her

eyes.

"Eva. " She voices out again when her gaze rests on mine and I say, "I'm sorry for waking you. I

couldn't sleep. "

"Come here. " She adjusts and pats the space by her side. I look at the space, then back to her and

when she blinks once in assurance, I climb over her to take the room.

She moves the duvet over me and drapes a hand on my shoulder as I press my face to her arm.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" She asks and I take a while before I open my mouth. "I walked into

Emerson's lips on Paige's. "

"What?" Aliya's voice is loud as she ducks her head to meet my eyes. "He kissed her?"

"She kissed him. " I correct, knowing Emerson didn't make the move.

"And he let her?"

"He pulled away. " I say, the image of that action crossing my mind.

"So Paige kissed him without his consent and you walked in on him pulling away?" She asks and I nod.

"Then you left? Though he didn't do it?"

"Yes, I did. Because I knew this would happen, but he didn't listen. We fought over the same issue a

while ago. I told him how I felt about Paige and him, and he defended her; saying I was overthinking

things and Paige wouldn't dare to cross the line. " A laugh falls from my mouth at how sure of his words

he was that night.

"Weren't they together once?" Aliya's question pulls me out of my thoughts and I hum. "It was casual

sex, but they did it repeatedly, and somehow– Emerson thought they could return to being just friends.

When I walked in on them, it didn't hurt because I know he didn't do it. It hurt because I knew it would

happen, and Emerson had to make me see that. It hurt because he didn't listen. His intentions might

have been good, but they hurt me. He didn't kiss her, but it just hurt seeing her there. So fucking badly.

"

"Oh, Evie, " Aliya coos, her grip tightening around my shoulder. "I'm sure he sees it now. I'm sure he

regrets it. "

"That doesn't make it hurt any less. "

"I know, babe. I know. But sometimes we're all just so fucked up, and it has to take something

happening before we finally admit it to ourselves. Emerson made the mistake of not listening to you

beforehand and now, he's paying for that mistake. "

"She was on the couch. Her lips were on his. Alone in our living room. " The thought of Paige being at

our place at that time alone fucking anger me.

"Shhh, don't think about it. Don't talk about it. Don't make yourself go through that, and you'll be fine. "

Aliya says as her hand moves to my head.

"I shouldn't have had to see that, Aliya. " I whisper and she pulls back to hold me by my arms.

"I shouldn't have. " I say again and she yanks me to her chest, her hand going to the back of my head.

"You shouldn't have, and he's insane for letting it happen. He'll come to understand that. "

I bury my face in her neck, and wrap my hands around her as I try to let it all out, but the tears don't

come.