Ex-Husband's Regret



"How did you feel seeing Gunner?" Mia asks, her eyes as always were perceptive. Staring at me like she could see straight into my soul.

Given that I've gone back to work, we've had to move things around to fit my new schedule. Most of my sessions are now scheduled between four thirty and six in the evening.

I already know the answer to that. I don't need to think about it. Thinking about that day, though, fills my eyes

with tears.

*Heart wrenching," I all but whisper the words.

It feels like it's been forced out of me. Out of the deepest parts of my soul. I try to force the sob that threatens to break free, but it's useless. I tears out of me painfully, leaving me breathless.

"How so?" Mia asks, handing me tissue paper.

I take it and wipe the tears falling down my face. It does no good because they keep flowing like a damn river. Getting angry at them for how they keep falling, I ball the tissue in frustration before chucking it in the dustbin.

*I saw it in his eyes, he hated me." I begin giving up on my battle against the tears that kept falling down my face. "There was so much anger reflected in his eyes. So much bitterness."

The image of his eyes glaring at me with those emotions is still imprinted on my head and heart. They still burn me in ways I can't even begin to explain.

*Emma,"

I angrily wipe away my tears with the back of my hand.Contentt bel0ngs to N0ve/lDrâ/ma.O(r)g!

*It destroyed me, Mia. It destroyed me, knowing that it was my fault. That I am the one that put emotions in his eyes and heart."

I start heaving. I am having difficulty breathing as the intensity of my emotions chocks me. Robbing me of the ability to breathe properly.

I continue, "His eyes haunt me. When I go to sleep, they are there in my dreams. When I wake up, they are there, staring accusingly at me. I see them everywhere I look. Everywhere I turn. I don't know what to do."

"We'll get back to Gunner. Right now, I am worried about you. I sense a lot of anger and bitterness towards yourself, Emma."

I don't say anything because I can't deny it. I honestly feel disgusted with myself. How can I call myself a mother when I caused such havoc in my child's life? How can I be okay with myself when I literally brought such emotions into him? Children should remain innocent for as long as they can. They should not feel any kind of hatred, anger, or bitterness. I took Gunner's innocence when I caused him to feel such emotions. "I'm not really happy with myself," I tell her honestly, my head bowed down in shame and regret.

*Do you think you deserve a second chance?" She asks. "Do you think you deserve forgiveness?"

Her question catches me off guard. I've never really thought about it because it has never crossed my mind. Do I deserve forgiveness? Do I deserve a second chance?

The question keeps playing in my head like a broken record. It echoes inside, its haunting melody making me seek answers I never thought about.

I stare at the wall in front of me. My eyes are looking but I see nothing at all. I dig deep inside me to try and find the answer to that question. Trying to find the particular words to express just what I feel.

Mia is patient with me, as I think. She doesn't push me or force me to come up with the answer sooner. She just silently jots down something in her notebook.

The answer comes to me, and I sigh. "No, I don't believe that I deserve forgiveness or a second chance."

Mia looks up, her eyes soft as she stares at me with nothing but understanding and warmth. She doesn't judge or anything like that.

"Why do you think that, Emma?"

I think this is the hardest part of my sessions. Where Mia asks me to explain my feelings. To explain why I feel the way I do. I hate it because it forces me to stare at the deepest, darkest parts of myself and understand why I feel that way.

Being asked why if I am sad, angry, or bitter is easy. I'll just say yes or no, final. Being asked why I feel sad, angry, etc. Now that's something else.

I draw in a deep breath. I'm not even sure how to answer. How do I explain that I just feel the way I do? "How can I be worthy of forgiveness when I've done such despicable things to my own son? Eight years, Mia. Eight years I treated Gunner and Calvin so abhorrently. I ignored my son and treated him like he didn't matter, while I basically used Calvin for sex. There is no forgiveness for toying with other people's hearts."

I can feel Mia's eyes burning the side of my head. I keep looking at my joined fingers, feeling completely ashamed of my actions. What I told her is the truth. I doubt there is forgiveness for someone who toys with other people's hearts. Especially a child's.

"You have a lot of anger towards yourself, Emma. A lot of bittemess and self-hatred. That is not healthy at all, she begins before continuing. "For you to be the kind of mother you want to be towards Gunner, you have to heal. You have to let go of the past."

Her lips are moving, but I can't hear a single word. Maybe it's because I am choosing to block her words out. Refusing to hear them.

She takes a deep breath as she watches me, "You have to forgive yourself, Emma. Everything we are doing here will be pointless if you can't forgive yourself first and move past your mistakes. You did what you did and it happened. We can't change that, but you can change the future. You can change the present. You are a different person than you were two years ago. I've only been your therapist for a while, but I see your change, I see your remorse, and I see your desire to make things right. I admire that, but first you need to let go of the mistakes you made and the person you were. You need to forgive yourself just as much as you want others to forgive you."

I leave the session, her words still running in my head. Forgiving oneself is easier said than done, but truth be told, how can I forgive myself when I feel like I haven't paid enough for my sins?