Beneath the Surface

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Later that night I’m outside alone drinking a beer while everyone is still in my kitchen. I just needed a few minutes alone. Lexie’s door opens and she comes out carrying a trash bag. I don’t say anything to let her know I’m out here, just watch her as she walks towards her trash can at the side of her house. My eyes scan her from head to toe, and as usual my body responds immediately. It doesn’t surprise me anymore. I’m becoming used to it around Lexie. I’m starting to accept the fact that even though my mind doesn’t want her, my body sure as hell does. I’m starting to realize it’s not just lust though. If I’m being honest with myself I’m starting to develop actual feelings for her, and that scares the hell out of me. I don’t know how to be with her, and my mind won’t let me even consider the possibility. She walks back inside and I let out a sigh.

“Son if you want her that bad just go after her.”

I spin around in my chair to see Brett leaning against my house watching me. How long has he been there? I shake my head at him, “I won’t be with a woman again.”

He pulls out the chair across from me and sits down. “I can understand how you felt that way for a while. I really can, but you’re only thirty years old. You really going to let what that girl did ruin the rest of your life? Don’t give her that power Jackson. She doesn’t deserve it. You got what seems to be like a good woman living right there, who you are obviously interested in, and if Carson’s right she’s interested in you too. So what are you doing sitting here? That woman over there isn’t Nicole. Stop thinking like she is.”

“I know she’s not Nicole. That’s not the problem. Even though she’s not Nicole how do I know she won’t pull some shit like she did? How do I trust her, or let myself open up to another woman? How can I take that chance again? I’m not sure I can survive that kind of shit again.”

“You’re a strong man Jackson, take a chance. I have a feeling you won’t regret it. You haven’t shown the slightest bit of interest in a woman in four years. Hell before that the only one you ever showed interest in was Nicole and that one other girl you dated for a few months before you got with Nicole. The fact that this one got your attention even though you’re hell bent against it tells me she’s something special, and you’ll regret it if you let her slip through your fingers. Take that chance. If you have some issues trusting her or getting close to her then sit her down and tell her what Nicole did. If she’s worth the trouble then she will stand by you, while you work through it in your head.” he taps his fingers on the table, “Anyway, I came out here to let you know we were leaving. Think about what I said son.”

I do. I sit there for hours thinking about what he said and wonder if maybe I can do it. Maybe if I try then I can work through my issues. I’ve never really tried before. I’ve clung to my past for the last four years using it like an armor to keep myself from getting close to anyone. To protect myself from the hurt that sometimes comes with getting close to someone. Maybe he’s right and if I have problems and tell her my past then maybe, just maybe, she would stick with me while I worked through it.