Always Been You

“And then I wake up… And when I do I’m scared, Jensen. Because it reminds me that he’s dying. My father is dying. And there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. I try so hard to be strong but I’m not. We are all just sitting around waiting for him to die, Jensen”

Jensen moved forward then and pulled her into his arms. She clung to him and he hated that he couldn’t fix this for her. But he understood. He rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head.

“Everything is going to be okay soon, Kat,” he said.

Katherine sniffed and pulled away from him. “How?” she asked. “How is it going to be okay? I can’t handle this. Jonathan is out there, acting like a man and trying to suck it up and mom… She’s hurting. She’s hurting so bad. But she’s out there acting like she can control this… Like it’s just one little family problem. And Tim,… how the hell do I find a way to tell my son that his grandfather is never going to get well like he keeps hoping for? How do I tell him that his grandpa is dying? I can’t, Jensen. I can’t. I’m scared. I’m worried. He’s my father. What am I going to do without him? I can’t control this situation and I wanna scream… I want to punch something… I… Don’t… ”

“Shhhh” Jensen said as he held her again. “I know it’s hard, Kat. And I tell you that it won’t hurt. It will. It will hurt like hell. But you are a strong woman, so I know once you get over the grief, you will be able to start over again… You will get through this. All of you. And then you will feel better. Your father loves you and he’s surrounded with the people he loves. It’s not the final moments that matter but the moments that lead up to them… And I know you have had lots of amazing moments with him. So I know he wouldn’t want you hurting like this, so pull yourself together, and be with him, make him happy, make him smile. Focus all your energy in doing that right now. I know he wouldn’t want you feeling this way… Sometimes bad things just happen and you can’t control everything”

Katherine looked up at him. And he smiled down at her. She smiled back, grateful that he was there with her. She smoothed her hand on his chest gently.

“Thank you, Jensen,” she said softly. “For everything. For being here. For being there for my father. I notice how you come to visit him and I see that you make him laugh.. And happy. I’m grateful for that… And I’m really sorry I tried to gut you with a letter opener.”

Jensen giggled and she couldn’t help but giggle too.

“It’s okay,” he said. “Good thing I could stop you.”

“Yeah” Katherine agreed. “We don’t want more people in the hospital.

Jensen nodded. He stared at her. She was staring at his lips. He knew what she was thinking about. He was thinking about it too. Her fingers slid slowly down his chest and gripped his arm. He wanted to kiss her again, but this wasn’t a good time.

“Jensen” Katherine began. “That kiss….”

“We don’t have to talk about that right now,” Jensen said.

“Yes. We do” Katherine replied. “It wasn’t supposed to happen. We shouldn’t have let it. If we are going to move on, we shouldn’t let things like that happen”Upstodatee from Novel(D)ra/m/a.O(r)g

Jensen stared down at her. Feeling the anger and sadness returning. “And is that what you really want, Kat? To move on? Because that’s not what that kiss told me. Why do you insist on lying to yourself?”

“That was just a moment of weakness. I can’t properly deal with this.. With us.. Right now” she said.

“And I’m not asking you to, Kat” Jensen yelled at her, the anger in his eyes blazing. “You are the one talking about it. We kissed. We had a moment. You are going through a lot right now and I’m willing to let you have all the time in the world before bringing up the topic of us. I understand that you can’t make decisions right now because you have a lot on your mind right now… I understand because I love you. Damn it. That’s right, I said it. I love you in case you haven’t figured that out already… And it’s because I love you that I can’t be selfish with you”

Katherine swallowed hard and Jensen continued.

“I was hoping to tell you this for the first time in a different way… Maybe in a more romantic way. But things keep getting in the way. First you push me away and now this… With your dad… I don’t even know why I’m having this conversation. Look, you shouldn’t leave tonight. Please stay for a few hours. It will give you some time so you can rest and get home safe. I will be in my office. Call me or come over if you need anything.”

Katherine opened her mouth to say something but no words came out. Not that it mattered because Jensen didn’t wait to hear whatever it was. He was gone. And she put her hands around herself. He was right. She shouldn’t have brought up that kiss. And this wasn’t the right time.

He loved her. He said he loved her. It was something she had often dreamed of him saying to her when they were growing up. And now he did….. What next???.

——————————–

“You know you didn’t have to call the doctor right?” Jonah said to Katherine and Delia after Delia hung up the phone.

“Why shouldn’t we?” Delia asked as she dropped the phone and brought the plate she was holding on the little table.

“Yes,” Katherine agreed. “We want you to be comfortable so we are going to call everytime we feel there’s a reason to… So don’t complain.”

“Yes captain” Jonah said playfully and Katherine laughed.

“I will be in the kitchen,” Delia said before she left the room.

Katherine brought the plate to him and Jonah took a huge bite of his sandwich while Katherine watched him. She wanted to spend every little time with him.