Chapter Forty-one: The New Bargain
POV: Clara
As soon as I heard the door close in its latch, I turned. The nurse had taken up the book that he left beside the bed and put it aside.
“I thought you were fast asleep? Ryan was here, he just left a couple of minutes ago, maybe if I hurry down the hallway, I can catch up with him.”
“No need for that, I know he was here.”
“Oh, okay, he left this for you,” she handed me the book. Slowly, I extended my hand as I grabbed it, and the stream of memories came rushing down. The very moment he had walked up on me the day I should have been cleaning his chambers. In a way, the book had brought us together.
“You should speak to him?”
I exhaled as I watched her through the lights.
“There is nothing to talk about.”
“Well, from where I stand, I think that there is a lot that you two need to talk about. The air seems cloudy whenever you two are together. I think you both should clear it out.”
“Well thanks for your concern but you don’t have to worry about me. I am perfectly fine.”
“I see. You know Ryan is such a hard guy. Always been, always will be. But ever since he brought you here, I have been seeing him exhibit behaviors I have never seen in him before. I think you brought it all out of him.”
“You know him?”
“Of course, who doesn’t know he is alpha king and his ruthless attitude? You know the first day I saw him bring you here, I thought deep down that he would be so kind to bring her here to want to save her life. Ryan has never cared for anyone. If you know him well enough then you would know that what I am saying is true. He has only been responsible for so much destruction if it meant saving his packs. But never cared about anyone this much. I can see it in his eyes that he loves you and you should give him a chance.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I should do and what I shouldn’t do.”
“But you know that I am right, I don’t think that you should keep ignoring him, speak to him, and hear him out.”
“Don’t tell me to hear him out, you have no idea what he did to me.”
“Then tell me, what did he do to you? Maybe talking can help with the pain you have all piled up there. I can see it in your eyes, the bitterness in those large tired eyes. Talk to me, it doesn’t help that it is piled up all in there, let it all out and see how it helps, trust me, it will.”
“Okay fine, I get you. I’ll talk.”
“Okay, that is good for a start.”
“Ryan is just a piece of shit that did not hesitate to hurt me when he had the chance. He hurt me, he hurt me so much that I wanted to squeeze him in my grasp. I want him to feel the pain that I feel whenever the thought comes to my mind.”
“I understand your plight, do you love him?”
“What?”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know if I do or if I did, we just had a kind of connection that was unique and I hoped that it lasted longer than it actually did.”
“That’s the more reason why you guys need to have that conversation.”
“Oh God, not again.”
“I’ll keep saying it. My candid advice to you is that you listen to what he has to say, just give him a listening ear, you don’t even have to say anything. Just maybe after then, you can decide not to speak to him again.”
“You think that would work?”
“Of course, okay let me ask you a question now, how do you feel within yourself with all that is going on?”
“I feel terrible and pained.”
“I guessed so. What if you let go of the hurt and the pain that you have towards everyone? Have you thought about that?”
“Those people treated me like shit. Do you think they deserve any forgiveness?”
“That’s the more reason you should forgive them all, and let all this pain go.”
I exhaled as I looked away without saying another word, the room remained quiet for a while we both sat buried in our thoughts.
“Can I see the book again”? I asked.
“Of course,” she handed it to me.
… breathe in life… into the cursed petals that had fallen from the stalks and they would bloom… rising again like the phoenix they would have a second chance and this time; they would choose to strive…
“He is here to see you, ma’am,” Grace announced as soon as she walked into the ward.
“Who do you speak of?” I asked even if I could tell who she spoke of, I just wanted to be sure that I was not having another strange visitor.
“Lord Ryan.”
“Okay,” I said, putting the book away.
“Should I tell him that you have awoken?”
“Let him in,” I ignored her. As much as I wanted my solitude to be locked in my head as I had always wanted, I still wanted to hear all that he had to say.
His words perhaps could be the last piece that I needed to be at peace with myself perhaps, Grace could be right everything came rushing down. All the thoughts all at once maybe I needed more time to understand myself and what I wanted but more time was what I knew I didn’t have.
For the past few months, my life had been in a circle getting to meet people who would only end up putting me in a rather toxic position. I didn’t want that, not anymore. I needed my freedom, not the kid that meant that I had to live in a house with some slaves working for me but the one that I would pick up my sack and walk out without looking back.
“Hey, Clara, I’m glad to see you awake,” I heard his voice as he walked towards the bed where I lay.
“Hey,” I replied staring blatantly at the door.
“Can I sit with you?”
I managed a nod and he he pulled a seat just in front of me.
“How do you feel now?”
“I heard you came earlier, is that what you have come to ask me?”
“Clara,” he called out moving his seat closer as he held n to my hands and then I took my hands away from him with a force that caused a sharp pain through my abdomen again
“Shit!” I groaned.
“Are you okay?” Grace asked as she moved towards me.
“Yes,” I responded before she could get any more closer. Ryan turned towards her, “Can you give us a moment please, would like to speak with her in private.”
Grace said nothing only resting her eyes on me, I slowly nodded and she smiled as she got the signal.
Now, here goes nothing.
“Clara…” he began.
“… I know that you hate me and you probably do not want to ever see me or hear from me again, but I can’t do this anymore.” He paused, as he watched my eyes, but I took them away from him as soon as I felt them on mine, resting them on the white walls that I faced.
“… look Clara, I know that you might have seen something that you presumed might have happened, but let me assure you that whatever you saw wasn’t real.”
“Wasn’t real?” I turned to face him, the sides of his eyes gathered tears and I knew that if I kept looking, maybe mine would do the same.
I didn’t like to see him that way, that was never the plan. To get to watch the Alpha King of such caliber cry. It was as if a stake ran through my chest. Hurting me more than the open fresh wounds ever did. But I looked away again holding down the tears that were already forming, hoping that he would not have to see them.
“What do you mean by it wasn’t real? So it was all an illusion then.”
“You are getting it all wrong.”
“Then tell me let me get it right.”
“That day I heard a knock on the door, as usual, I thought it was you so I went to open it but it wasn’t you as I had thought. It was Patricia. She came on me, Clara please believe me. I know you have a thing for cheating men but I am not one of them. I cannot do anything to hurt you.”
“I am glad that you know that I have a thing for men that cheats. You know this feeling when you have food churn rushed from your stomach up to your throat. The heat from the heartburn and the acidic sting of whatever acid comes up to your throat, or is it the soreness that you would feel on your lower tongue and the heaviness it brings afterward? Yeah, that is how I feel whenever I see or speak to cheating men,” I snorted.
Ryan said nothing, he pulled me closer holding my hands in his, but this time, I did not take it away nor did I look at him. I faced up watching the ceiling at the same time giving him a listening ear so he could air his words.
I just wanted whatever it was that he had to say to be over. I needed the space and quietness again to be able to hear my thoughts and perhaps read a book or listen to Grace’s endless tales. All the while, I didn’t like the tightness in my chest. Ryan’s presence had made it come and I was certain his absence would take it away.
“I blame myself for what happened. It is all my fault. I shouldn’t have opened the door for her that day. Perhaps I could have prevented any of this from happening.”
“And what of another day?”
“Patricia is just a friend, why don’t you just get that?”
“Just a friend huh? Well, it didn’t look like that to me. The worst of it all is that I got to lose my child because of this. That’s what keeps me awake all night.”
“I am really sorry. I feel so awful for what this has caused you. I want to make it up to you. I want to make you happy. To see that smile that brings the glow to your face. Please let me make it up to you again.”
“Oh yes you can, you can make it up to me.”
“Please tell me how,” he wiped the back of his palm across his face. Taking the droplet of tears along with it, “What do you want me to do?”
“I only want one thing, Ryan.”
“What is it? Please tell me and don’t leave a detail out of it.”
I turned towards him now, his eyes a gumbo of emotions as they were wet and looked warm for a while. And then suddenly, the warmth dried up with the rest of the tears leaving a set of weak eyes that only depicted fear but I didn’t look away as I had done before, instead, I peered into them and he did just the same.
“I want to feel them again Ryan, the kick of the tiny feet on the walls of my stomach and the stretching of my skin. I want to feel the weight and the movement that gave me hope whenever I retired to bed every night drained out of hope,”
“Clara please,” he said admitting tears.
“I am not finished,” I heard the quiver in my voice and I knew I could no longer hold back the tears as they ran freely to the sides, soaking up the pillow that lay beneath my head.
“My hope is gone. The only part of me that was alive is now dead, everything is dark in here and feels empty all because I cared.”
“No, no please you don’t have to say that. You have me.”
“No, I don’t,” I took my hands away from him and he held it back but I resented facing the window.
“What you saw that day is not what you think. Patricia is just a family friend, her mother Lady Ana had been the one that looked after me after what happened to my parents.”
“Yeah, you owe her that, being with her daughter would only make everything perfect after all that she had done for you. It is me that should be taken away. I am the one standing in the way. After all, I am only but a slave, your slave, you can do to me as you wish or is it not what was promised? Was that not the deal that was struck?”
“I know. I don’t plan for any of this to happen. But with you, it was difficult to look away. With you, everything seemed perfect. I don’t want that to end. I want to be with you Clara that is what I want.”
“And what about what I want?”
“I thought this is what you wanted.”Têxt © NôvelDrama.Org.
“I thought so too,” I said slowly facing him again as I held his arms and looked straight into his eyes.
I knew what I wanted and it did not include lying helpless in a hospital and having a back-and-forth conversation which was just a mere pool of stacked up lies that had become a pain in my ears. I needed it to end, everything that had caused me so much pain even if it meant letting the part of me that brought me happiness even for a minute go. I was willing to give it all up.
“… but it has only caused me pain and regret. I don’t want to feel this pain. Not anymore. Not after everything that I have made my body and soul go through in your hands and the hands of your people.”
“What does this mean Clara?”
I faced him fully now peering deeply into his eyes so I would watch the flick in them when I spilled to him what I had decided on.
“Do you love me, Ryan?”
“Of course I do.” He responded without hesitation.
“Then, let me go.” I uttered calmly, watching as he tensed up as soon as my response sank into his head.
“What do you mean by let me go?” He pulled away from the chair, it made a loud screech on the surface of the marble floor.